Showing posts with label oh dang. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oh dang. Show all posts

Friday, November 7, 2008

Ray won’t let me wear my glasses on stage.

I didn't do the best job, but the important thing is I tried.

I'd like to thank all the trick-or-treaters who made Videotheque a stop on their trick-or-treating route this past Halloween and made the Videotheque Halloween Ball/Sadie Hawkins Dance the overwhelming success that it was.

I'd also like to thank everyone who voted on Tuesday. You 67.2% restored my faith in humanity.

Unfortunately whenever I see my neighbor that faith in humanity is diminished by 10% and the following movies diminish it by 7.2%.

So, technically my faith in humanity has only been restored by 50%.

NEW RELEASES 11/04:

THE FILMS OF BUDD BOETTICHER: Deceased filmmaker Budd Boetticher gets the plastic treatment with his own DVD set of five westerns he made at Columbia, giving this chunk of his film career the posthumous treatment that it deserves, which he's not here to enjoy or profit from. Enjoy each of these deceased individual's films individually as rentals.

First of all, don't "Hey, Man," me.

GET SMART: During my youth, I used to spend months at a time alone at home with no adult supervision making hills on the kitchen floor with laundry detergent to drive my Matchbox Cars through. I would also eat nothing but Gemco brand tortilla chips microwaved with Velveeta on them with hot sauce packets from Naugles for months. During this time I would also watch KDOC, channel 56 for days on end. I would enjoy a lot of classic television and Request Video and Wally George. Among the classic series I would enjoy was "Get Smart" and every time I would watch that show, I would say to myself, "Man, know what the world needs? Some more of that!!!" Luckily, the dude from that stinkeroo "Dan in Real Life" and the other dude from that stinkeroo "Be Cool" and that girl from that stinkeroo "Havoc" all apparently felt the same. Breathing new life into the characters, they make that series I was watching on KDOC look like 90210 on acid.

HELL RIDE: Are you like me? Did you watch "Death Proof" and "Planet Terror" and say to yourself, "Man, know what the world needs? Some more of that!!!" Thankfully, Mr. Blonde, who is not a wife-beater, and has 27 movies in production feels the same way. It's a biker revenge movie with all the elements you need in a movie after picking up a meal at Naugles on your bike, like an image that's in focus, etc.

MILAREPA: Apparently there's some sort of shortage of filmmakers so now they're enlisting Tibetan monks to make them. Under normal circumstances I'd probably poo-poo the idea 'cause it's like, what kind of film education are these guys getting? I mean, have they seen "The Godfather Part II?" I kind of doubt it. So, I don't know, man. But given the blood-soaked and violence drenched culture that we live in, where people feel like others have to lose in order for them to win, maybe a movie here and there from a Tibetan monk is a good thing. If you share that win/lose attitude with everyone I come into contact with on a daily basis, maybe you should come in and rent this and any other movies that Videotheque has that are by or about Lamas. Not the animal, but teachers of Buddhism. That's like "Budd" as in "Budd Boetticher" but with an "hism" at the end. "Milarepa" tells a tale which is a Staples in Tibetan tradition.

MOSCOW ZERO: You can't rely on other people to make you happy and I know deep down inside Vincent Gallo and Val Kilmer love me. So, I forgive them when they are in a movie by a one-named director that takes too long to set up and uses way too many distorted lenses for no good reason. But if you like those things and you enjoyed "Dominion" and "Exorcist: The Beginning" your love for this movie will be analogous to having no end.

POPEYE THE SAILOR: 1941-1943, VOL. 3: If you're at all like me, you probably watched this as a kid and ever since have been eating spinach like a maniac to your own detriment, to the point that you are in the bathroom more than not. You probably continued eating spinach without reprieve even during the E. Coli outbreak of 2006 and the Salmonella outbreak of 2007. And since both of those situations phased neither myself nor Salman Rushdie, it shouldn't phase you either if you are a true Popeye viewer. So you should be able to watch these with abandon. Even though, between you and me, there are way too many of them.

TOO TOUGH TO DIE: A TRIBUTE TO JOHNNY RAMONE: This benefit concert was to raise money for cancer research and celebrate the 30th anniversary of the Ramones' first performance. Johnny died of cancer of the nethers two days later and gets the Budd Boetticher treatment with this fine DVD. Show the man some respect and enjoy this fine concert, especially if you can't afford to go to a real concert 'cause of these tough economic times that have you holding it instead of going to the bathroom.

TRANSSIBERIAN: "Fargo" checked out? Try this new gem featuring Woody from "Cheers" and some other folks that you've seen in some good movies. This film is like "The Darjeeling Limited" in the sense that its title is named after a train that most of the movie takes place on. It is unlike "The Darjeeling Limited" in that the name of the train in "Transsiberian" makes sense and also in that there is a plot.

Oh dang! Oh no I didn'! Aw snap!

WHAT WE DO IS SECRET: The dude from "A Walk to Remember" stars as Darby Crash of the Germs who pulled an Ian Curtis the day before Jared Leto killed John Lennon. Damn you Jared Leto! Anywhoo, pull up a chair and a bucket of hand sanitizer as you follow this Germ through all his ups and downs and his ignored demise.

WHEN DID YOU LAST SEE YOUR FATHER?: Blake Morrison and Anand Tucker foist their feelings of guilt and self-loathing onto you with this sappy quagmire of bad coming-of-age flashbacks, when Colin Firth realizes the answer to the above question posed by the title, which is: You haven't seen your father for decades 'cause of his f*** you attitude.

ALSO AVAILABLE:

2008 Wimbledon Official Film
American Stag
Chico and the Man
The Cool School
Death Defying Acts
The Family Man
Georgia
Go With the Ventures
Ludwig
Mrs. Soffel
Never Say Never Again
The Perfect Storm + Three Kings
Saxondale - Seasons 1-2
Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! - Season 1
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - Runnin' Down A Dream
To the Limit
The Valley of the Bees


...and that's why we're happy to have Isaac with us.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Why can't you be more like your sister, Ainsley?

A lotta, lotta people ask me, they ask, "Say, Eric, what did you do for the 4th of July?" My answer to that is always the same. I went to Lake Havasu for my girlfriend's wedding, in which I was the best man, which offended me. While I was away, I watched short portions of some movies out of context and found them highly disturbing.

In my absence, I asked the 'thequers to fill in for me on the blog, 'cause where I was going, there were no roads. For some reason they had a German tourist named Max do it, which sort of offended me. But when I got back, he had left me a gift in the form of an elaborate drawing he had made, which was so detailed, it was clearly subject matter he was quite intimate with. I found that to be such a kind gesture that I was no longer offended, which was disappointing, 'cause being offended makes me feel superior.

CINEMATIC GOBSTOPPERS 07/08:

CHOP SHOP: I didn't watch this movie 'cause the cover offended me. It's about a youngster trying to make a better life for himself and his sister. Now that I know this, I'm offended that the cover offended me 'cause I think I would've related to this kid trying to make a better life for himself, when haters keep hating on him. I don't know if haters are hating on this kid, or not. The only way to know is to watch it. I had a car that went to a chop shop once. I found that experience highly offensive.

THE RUINS: When I first heard about this movie I suspected it would be in league with "Apocalypto" and "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," demonizing ancient Mayan civilization, even though despite all our technology, Mayans were most likely significantly more intelligent and civilized than us, but I digress. Anywhoo, that's the way I thought it would be, so I thought I would find it offensive, and ... it was and I did. But much to my surprise the plant from "Little Shop of Horrors" and "The Fountain" was in this, so now I think it's off the heazzzy!

SLEEPWALKING: Every now and then, which is a lot, I like to nerd out with some melodrama, so when I see Charlize Theron and the girl from "Bridge to Terabithia" on a cover, I'm like, "Oh, dang!" So, I watched this ... well, part of it, and it highly offended me, that small portion of it that I saw, out of context, so I turned it off. But if you aren't offended easily and like to watch actors sleepwalk through a set, you'll love siphoning this light show through your gelatinous orbs.

STOP-LOSS: When I heard this was coming out I was really, really excited 'cause it's a new film by Kimberly Pierce, but then I went and saw it and I was highly offended. It's basically like "Coming Home Jr." Getting stop-lossed is when you serve a tour of duty and then you come back and your superiors are like, "Uh, we need you again," and then you go again and then after you've served another tour of duty, you go home and then your superiors are like, "Uh, psych," and then you have to serve a third tour of duty. So in this MTV version of "Coming Home" the guy from "Cruel Intentions" is like, "Oh, no you didn'!" and then he throws down and then aimless wandering ensues. If that sounds like it won't offend you, you should stop-loss this DVD back to your DVD player every time it ends.

OTHER THINGS TO GET OFFENDED BY:
THE ATHEISM TAPES
BLAME IT ON RIO
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (BLU-RAY)
DEAR PILLOW
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (BLU-RAY)
GAZA STRIP
JACKIE CHAN: MY STORY
LOVELESS IN LOS ANGELES
MOUTH TO MOUTH
PATTON (BLU-RAY)
SEX AND DEATH 101
THERE WILL BE BLOOD (BLU-RAY)
WIRE IN THE BLOOD

RECOMMENDATIONS:
We've got 'em. Maybe later in the week I will elaborate.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why it's important to wear pajamas to bed no matter how warm the weather is.