Monday, August 30, 2004

8:31 The Special Pious Edition

heeelllooo So we are here and early. Agaetis Byrjun. This week we are diving into the realm of that ol time relijun! With a few special surprises with equal parts stupidity. After such a long and nice weekend me thinks it's good the feel the DVD breeze through your hair.

First and Foremost: Forbidden Zone!! If you don't know what this is man, then forget you are dead to me. Just stop reading here. The looooooonggger than John Holmes awaited DVD for this is finally out! We ordered 517 copies to digest, just enough for the lower east side of south pasadena. Way before Dead Man's Party came this cult of cults film starring Danny Elfman and directed by Richard Elfman. Loads and loads of features including commentaries, behind the scenes docs, and the history of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo-Boingo! Oh man, oh man oh man. and yes, women too.

The Pa$$ion of the Christ: Mr. Gibson and co. recently urged churches to buy several copies of Jesus via a special bargain package. These were to be sold during masses right before holy communion. Little bit of bread, little wine and movie. All set. Anywho, I don't want this to be anti-christian banter, because it AINT, but really in churches? Back to what this is all about... Jim Caweasel is the main man himself during his last hours. If you thought there was a lot of blood in the Kill Bills, well wait to you see this. Kill Bill beats by at least a pint or two. For such a high grossing "indie" flick, the DVD is barebones. Nothing to sell I guess. Just be warned, it's gonna get worse than LOTR of Star Wars. I anticipate maybe ten or twelve different "special editions" including the special Kosher version. As well as the alternate ending. Make sure you load up on those holy carbs during those late nights as you are glued to the white light of the television.

The Passion of the Jew: No you heard me right. However it's those crazy kids at South Park retelling the greatest story ever told (over and over again). Cartman plays the bitch, and Kyle the jew. Irrelevant, crude and heartwarming all at the same time.

Chris Rock, Never Scared: I thought it said Never Sacred which would have been awesome for this week!! I stayed up late watching Bad Company last night and noticed he has some pearly whites! I think only Zach Braff comes pretty close. Never Scared features more cuss words than Glengarry Glenn Ross and better jokes than the White House, and oh let's not forget those chompers.

Trekkies 2: Theeeeeeeyyyyyyy''rrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeee Baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkkkkkkk!! A religion for some (eh, see how they tie in) Trekkies returns with more oddball, ahem, Trekkies. This doc packs a punch for humor and humiliation for the poor kids of these people. Makes me think of one time a little kid, maybe four or five years old, came in with his mother and began to yell and cry bloody-mary for a DVD he wanted. That DVD: Sound of Music. I would call that kid a Von Trappie.

Twisted: Ashely Judd stars in this remake of Kiss the Girls, Double Jeopardy, and High Crimes. She plays Jessica Sheppard who "gets around" and consequently those who's she's been with, become dead! or get dead whichever you prefer. Bad-Ass mutha Sam Jackson and Mary-Lou Retton co-star.

24th Day: To be honest, I don't have a clue what this is, but hey it might be good. I'll read you what it says: "It's been 24 days since Tom found out that his life was ruined by a previous encounter with Dan. 24 days since he decided Dan would have to pay with his life. In this electrrifying suspense thriller, driven by superstar performances, you'll be holding your breath to see who survives the 24th day." You be the judge and don't let the zombies scare you.

Ok, that concludes today's ceremonies. Please have a nice day. Adieu.

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