This is the part where you run away.

So, the thing is this, um, yeah, I was shaving in the bushes of the parking lot out in back of B of A this morning when some kids rolled up on their skateboards and they says to me, they says, "Hey, Mike, are you gonna dress up for Halloween?"

My answer to them was simple. I says to them, I says, "I enjoy any holiday 'cause it gives me a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling and an overall optimism about the future because there is that dear, dear, holiday rapidly approaching - especially on Halloween in an election year, because when you are trick-or-treating, it's a great opportunity to knock down or take lawn signs for candidates or propositions which you don't necessarily agree with - but of course, not until after they have given you candy. But I digress, young child-with-a-board-on-wheels. What am I going as for Halloween? That's easy. The same thing I do every year, which is, I cover myself in green makeup and go as Shrek, and I carry around one of those ... uh ... boom boxes with that song 'All Star' by Smash Mouth playing on it."

A lotta, lotta people don't like Smash Mouth, and with good reason - they are a little annoying - but I don't mind them. They once said, "You'll never shine if you don't glow," and I think they had a good point there.

NEW RELEASES 10/28:

ANNIE LEIBOVITZ: LIFE THROUGH A LENS: I haven't watched this 'cause at first I thought it was a sequel to "The Eyes of Laura Mars," and then I further wasn't watching it 'cause I saw it was a documentary about a photographer and I usually don't like photographers 'cause they killed Princess Diana, but then when I was doing my research for the ... uh ... blog, I saw that Annie Leibovitz took many a photograph of celebrities and celebrities make everything okay. She took photos including, but not limited to, the Rolling Stone cover with John Lennon taken the day of his death. I will always be mad at Jared Leto for killing him.

BILLY THE KID: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the ... uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "Billy the Kid." The Casting Director from "Bugcrush" directs this film which does for the documentary what "Lawrence of Arabia" did for movies about guys in flowing white robes. The film follows a week in the life of Billy in his hometown of Brunswick, Maine as he experiences the trials and tribulations of being a sophomore and an outsider, and unrequited love as he falls in love with a WWE fanatic with lazy eyes, and throughout it all, Billy demonstrates more game and is more of a gentleman than either Ryan Gosling or I can ever hope to be.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH: Brendan Fraser stars in this reworking of the Jules Verne classic where for convoluted reasons he winds up in the center of the Earth with the kid from "Bridge to Terabithia," and some woman who seems to be dressed for summer weather in Iceland. I thought I knew a lot about science and whatnot, but as it turns out, there is a whole magical world inside the center of the Earth which I was completely unawares of. Plus with the advent of 3-D, which was invented for this film, you can enjoy the movie with some dorky-looking paper glasses that make the movie look like you're watching it through a View Master. Also, in my opinion, there are just not enough Brendan Fraser movies. I think that each Brendan Fraser performance should be cherished, 'cause on a long enough time line, there'll come a day when he will no longer be able to make movies and you'll miss him. And a note to Hollywood: please make as many Brendan Fraser movies as possible, while you can, for the above mentioned reasons. Thanks.

KIT KITTREDGE - AN AMERICAN GIRL: You're probably thinking, "Ooh, ooh, finally the TV series with Margaret Cho is available on DVD!" Think again, wishful thinking person. This is actually the sequel to "Nim's Island" starring the flash-in-the-pan from "Little Miss Sunshine." Nim's back on the mainland, but still has a hankering for the island life, so she builds a tree house in her backyard where she hangs out with the girls from "Heavenly Creatures" and they plot to pull the ol' bricks-in-a-stocking trick on anybody who approaches the treehouse, proving the old theory: girl is an island.

THE L-WORD - SEASON 5: The L-Word is my favoritest TV show ever. It makes "Sex and the City" look like a slow ride to grandmother's house. Plus my best friend Stewie writes for it, 'cause he's in touch with his feminine side. Really in touch. So, when you are done voting "No" on "Hate" go into Videotheque and pick up the ol' L-Word.

RAIN OF FIRE: When I saw the cover of this movie, I thought it was post-stroke Kirk Douglas, but then doing research for the ... uh ... blog, I realized this is a movie from 1977. I guess I forgot how old he looked in the 1970's. Afterall, I was born in 1994. It's not like I was watching movies in the 1970's. Anywhoo, Christian Bale plays the older version of a young boy who loses his single parent to fire-breathing dragons and then Matthew McConaghey shows up and kicks dragon butt. Then Kirk Douglas comes along and poses for a cover the looks very similar to "The Devil's Advocate" even though this movie was made 20 years earlier.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS: Jenna Jameson stars as Jenna Jameson in this raucous romp where the world of zombies and the world of strippers collide. In general, in my personal life, I put strippers on a pedestal, so I can only advocate this film if it puts strippers on a pedestal as well, which I get the impression that it does.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse
Baraka (Blu-ray)
Charlie Parker & Dizzy Gillespie: The Founding Fathers of Be Bop
DNA
Family Guy, Vol. 5 - Season 5, Part 1
Family Guy, Vol. 6
Happy Mondays: Call the Cops
Incredible Hulk (Blu-ray)
Invisible Stripes
James Ellroy's Feast of Death
John Coltrane: A True Innovator
Kid Galahad
Larceny, Inc.
The Little Giant
The Mighty Boosh - Series 1
Murder, Spies & Voting Lies
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5-8
One PM
Planet Earth (Blu-ray)
Public Enemies: The Golden Age of the Gangster Film
Screamers
Sister Act + Sister Act 2 - Back in the Habit
Steve Coogan Live
Tis Pity She's a Whore


OCTOBER SALE:

The sale that we had in October is now over. I'd just like to thank all the customers who came in on Wednesdays in October and made it a success despite the way the sale was inadequately advertised, thanks to the idiot who designed the flyer.


RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:

Come into the store this All Saint's Eve and pick up your favorite horror haunts from our haunted horror section and the recommended wall where the staff has pulled together once again, despite their differences and recommended some haunted horror haunts.

If Halloween passes and you haven't had enough Halloween, then you can still come into the store and still rent some haunted horror haunts until you get it out of your system.

Also, if people are bumping into you on purpose and then acting like it's your fault, come in and check out the Democracy at Work section where you can enjoy politics-related films while you get amped up about voting and/or hugging your poll worker on Tuesday regardless of whether or not they want you to.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why if you're on death row, it's ironic and will get you headlines if you request a Happy Meal for your last meal.

You’re not screaming, why aren't you screaming?

Yesterday when I was walking home from school, I was walking on the sidewalk when all the sudden a sprinkler went on right beside me and sprayed on me and also the litter of delicate hatchlings in my backpack.

I looked up in the front yard of the house I was walking by and saw an old curmudgeon who was just finishing turning on the sprinklers the old timer way, you know, without the ... uh ... timer.

I couldn't help but wonder if the old curmudgeon had done it on purpose out of a deep seated lack of consideration for both me and my hatchlings and a general world view that the public should not be allowed to use public sidewalks.

Also, it was the middle of the afternoon and it's inefficient in a water conservation sense to water your lawn in the middle of the afternoon as that is the time of day that the water will evaporate the quickest. The best time to water your lawn is really at night or early morning, like in the pre-dawn hours. That water will take forevers to evaporate, in which case you're getting the most out it. And that's important, 'cause in a few years the planet will run out of water and there will be global wars over Capri Sun pouches.


NEW RELEASES 10/21:

THE GO-GETTER: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "The Go-Getter." George Lucas from "George Lucas in Love" (not the real George Lucas) directs this film which does for the road movie what "Apocalypse Now" did for the ... uh ... river movie. "Thumbsucker" teams up with the sister from "Almost Famous" in this high stakes adventure. Sometimes just for kicks I like to ask myself, if an old college buddy of mine were to fill my head full of empty promises and one of those empty promises were to involve a celebrity, which celebrity would I want that to be? For me the answer is usually the sister from "Almost Famous."

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: If I made a movie about the Incredible Hulk and it tanked, like "Hulk" starring the guy from "Chopper" my logic would be, "Say, maybe people no longer care for the Jolly Green Giant," and I'd probably move on to something else, like a feature-length "Blossom" movie ... just sayin'. But apparently that is backward thinking where Hollywood is concerned. Instead they thought, hey, let's remake that movie that tanked a couple years ago. And sure enough, recasting the characters and adding a cigar did the trick. Now everybody cannot get enough of the ol' Jolly Green Giant.

SON OF RAMBOW: That's Rambo with a "w". Technically I don't think this is out yet but I think Videotheque got an advanced copy because one of the kids in the movie is a former employee. This movie makes "Billy Elliot" look like "Newsies" when some young guy sees some violent action movies and decides to make his own movie. If you like seeing youngsters survive perilous circumstances that would usually critically injure them, you will love this!

THE STONE ANGEL: Ellen Burstyn makes "The Savages" look like "Newsies" in this film adaptation of the novel of the same name where she reprises her role from "Requiem for a Dream" as a former drug addict whose kids are trying to put her in a home, so instead she pulls a "Bucket List" or a "Bonneville" depending on your preference.

THE STRANGERS: This movie, I have not seen. I hear a lot of people who have not seen "Them" speak highly of it. Sometimes I like to walk around with a burlap sack on my head with eye holes poked in it and then go up to random houses and pound on the door until I hear the occupants scream. Maybe I will do that to the old curmudgeon with the sprinklers.

THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND: The thing with this is this, you see, this is a combination of two nights of the Sex Pistols' 2007 Brixton Academy appearances. If you enjoyed "The Hanna Montana and Miley Cyrus' Best of Both Worlds Concert 3-D Movie" you will probably like this. I say "probably" because I know that you are short-tempered and hard to please because you eat too much sugar.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

Bra Boys
Jazz Icons: Series 3
Kickin' It Old Skool
Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan
Red Carpet Double Feature: Fear/Parents
Saturn in Opposition
Stephen King's The Stand
The Trap
Women of the Night


OCTOBER SALE:

On Wednesday October 29th, which is this next Wednesday, I think you should take an evening off from your busy schedule of wearing a burlap sack on your head and pounding on the doors of houses with "Yes on 8" signs until the occupants scream (you need to cut their phone lines for this to work properly, and hope their cell phones don't work, how you figured that out, I don't know), and relax and go by the 'theque and rent ... whudduya callit ... two movies for the price of one. (I'm not advocating tormenting people with political signs, that you don't agree with, in their yards. I'm just saying I know you do it already.)


RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:

As annotated in last week's issue we have recommended sections reflecting the impending Halloween holiday. If you love being scared by the ... uh ... cinema 'cause your real life is not enough of a horror show already like mine, you will love these sections!

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why it rhymes with "hate."

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

A lotta, lotta people say to me, they say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week what the ****, you son of a *****?"

Other more considerate people say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week, is something the matter, buddy?"

Well, in response to the latter, I learned a lot last week about the fundamentals of the realty company that manages the awesome domicile that I rent underneath Thumper and the cast of "Stomp the Yard."

I learned first and foremost that the fundamentals of the woman who processes the rent checks are that she's cold, smug, condescending, and inattentive to the point that she threw my rent check for October out with the trash and then accused me of not paying my rent.

After writing a new check, plus paying a late fee, putting a stop payment on the original check, and getting accused of the fundamentals of lying in spite of a paper trail of a half a dozen documents that suggest the fundamentals of the contrary, I spiraled into the fundamentals of a deep depression.

See, when you're already depressed, and you get further depressed, you're in a deep depression. At least those are the fundamentals of it.

Fundamentally, I tried several things to get myself out of this funk. First I tried drinking, which I hadn't done since 1994. While this taught me a few fundamentals about alcohol, like that it's not as bitter as it used to be and that it didn't help the situation, it just made me less angry for about 5 minutes.

Then fundamentally, I tried hanging out with two gorgeous women who each had their own personal them songs. One's was that song "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow. The other one's was that song "Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club. While that helped a super, super lot, fundamentally, I was just less angry for about oh ... a day.

Then I tried looking for a new domicile, which fundamentally only served to make me more depressed because, man, nothing worse than somebody in the realty business who likes money more than people, which is everyone. You see, because you are a person, not money, at least fundamentally.

Fundamentally, I thought I had exhausted all my options, but then yesterday, I had the radio on and that song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba came on and I thought, three things, first I thought, "Man, it's time for Chumbawumba to make a comeback," and secondly I thought, "This is MY theme song," and thirdly I thought, "Man ... this song really speaks to me."

I went directly from there and had "W.W.C.D?" tattooed across my chest in the largest letters that would fit. That's "What Would Chumbawumba Do?" you know. And the letters are very large as I am a barrel-chested idiot who rents from incompetent, money-grubbing scumbags! But I digress, fundamentally.

My fundamental point is that you have Chumbawumba to thank for this blog and this blog will probably be extree long 'cause even when you're deeply depressed and homicidal because somebody is systematically destroying your life, movies fundamentally still come out regardless.


NEW RELEASES 10/07:

30 ROCK - SEASON 2: In an ideal world I would probably watch this show 'cause I love Must-See Thursdays or whatever day this comes on. But I haven't seen this show as of yet, 'cause the world is not ideal, but I can tell from the fundamentals of the title that it's clearly about the illegal drug trade. I understand that Tina Fey is in it, rudely upstaging Tracy Morgan.

BOY A: Fundamentally, I haven't seen this movie. Somebody told me they really liked it and told me that they thought I would really like it and that I would probably relate a lot with the main character. Then I looked up the synopsis and it says it's about a guy getting out of prison for fundamentally murdering someone when he was younger. So, I was like, "Hey, wait a minute!" but it was too late 'cause it was fundamentally much later than when they said I would like it.

THE HAPPENING: Every time ol' M. Night comes out with a movie, people I know go see it in the theater and they're like, "Oh, fundamentally it's so bad!" and then I wait for it to come out on DVD and watch it 'cause even if something is fundamentally bad, fundamentally you should decide that for yourself, 'cause who knows, maybe you'll fundamentally enjoy it. So, um, yeah, the thing is this, I attempted to watch it but there was some sort of happening with my DVD player so it wouldn't load, so I still haven't seen it, but based on the trailer, I'm a little upset 'cause it seems John Lequizamo stole my look for this movie ... y'know, the sporty dork look ... also, there's mention of bees dying in the trailer and as a bee advocate, I think it's fundamentally wrong to make up fake reasons why bees are dropping dead when in reality they are dropping dead and no one really knows why. It's kind of irresponsible. Fundamentally, you might want to argue this point, but fundamentally, you're also probably a bee hater.

JOY RIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD: This movie is about why all the bees are dying. Just kidding. Fundamentally this is the sequel to the ... uh ... first "Joy Ride." All different personnel; same money machine. I tried to watch this as I had seen the first one and felt like I needed closure, but after I watched a generous portion of the first half of it, I no longer needed closure that bad, but if you like to see scantily clad youngsters get mowed down by big rigs, this is fundamentally your cup of tea.

THE SIMPSONS - SEASON 11: I remember back in 1987, watching "The Tracy Ullman Show" and there were these animated shorts and I thought to myself, "These animated shorts are great, somebody should create a long-running series based on it." Never happened. Stupid studio big wigs.

SLACKER UPRISING: Fundamentally this is a new Michael Moore documentary where he fundamentally gives birth to a new political generation. In that way, this movie is fundamentally a lot like that Arnold Schwartzenegger movie "Junior" but with less politics.

SPIRIT OF THE MARATHON: This is a documentary about the trials and tribulations of running the Chicago marathon. Fundamentally I think marathons are a good thing and the fact that they make me feel like a lethargic wimp is more my fault than the fault of the marathon itself.

THE VISITOR: I really had no idea what this was until five trillion people started telling me it was great. I still kind of didn't know what it was about and so I was reading the uh ... plot summary and it says that it's about a college professor who befriends two victims of a real estate scam. What a fundamental coincidence, a movie that involves a real estate scam and me reeling from a realty management company being smarmy money-grubbing scumbags.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN: Every once in a while a movie comes out and you see giant billboards with a giant crotch prominently displayed and you sort of cringe and say to yourself, "Egads, I am much too refined for that filth!" But then you finally slum it one day because you're in a downward spiral that has caused you to lose your ability to watch anything serious because it just reminds you of how lousy your day-to-day life is, and then you realize that you had misjudged the billboard ... you were fundamentally, how do you say, ah, yes ... prejudice. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" features exceptional performances by Rob Schneider and John Tuturro and comes close to accomplishing something that has been next to impossible for hundreds of years, which is bringing Isrealis and Palastinians together over a cup of joe and a bagel.


NEW RELEASES 10/14:

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: I got hornswaggled into seeing this in the theater with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. After I saw it, everyone was like, "Hey, how was it?" I tell everyone the same two fundamental things. First of all, that "Temple of Doom" used to be my least favorite Indiana Jones movie. Used to be! And secondly that it's like a cross between "Caddyshack" and "Apocalypto." Everyone I tell that looks at me like I'm an insane savage, but it's the truth, and the truth hurts. Watch it and see!

MONGOL: THE RISE OF GENGHIS KHAN: Fundamentally, I have not seen this movie, for the basic reason that I often eat at Mongolian BBQ in regular Pasadena and I feel like that suffices. I eat there every night. You may prefer to watch this movie, though.

THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM - SEASON 2, VOL. 1: This Sarah Silverman is someone who gets it. Gets it big time. And judging by the fact that this second season is being put out in volumes like as if it were "Sex and the City's" last season or the "Sopranos'" last season, I can fundamentally deduce a few possibilities. The first one is that real estate agents are fundamentally money-grubbing scumbags. The second one is that it's wildly popular like those other two aforementioned shows. The third one is that this is its last season. Watch it and learn what it means to "get it"!

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE: Prior to this I'd seen about five million Abu Ghraib documentaries. Five million is a euphemism for three. This one is the most conclusive and ol' Errol Morris seems to fundamentally have a budget or something. If you like to watch people take the fall for their superiors in graphic detail, you'll enjoy this romantic love triangle.

STUCK: Stuart Gordon makes "Reservation Road" look like "Newsies" in this movie where Mena Suvari plays Mena Suvari with corn-rows who fundamentally runs down somebody on the road with her car after her landlord throws away her rent check and accuses her of not paying her rent that month.

WAR, INC.: If you're concerned about political goings-on but your brain is fried from the scourge on humanity that is humanity, you might enjoy this comedic effort from Jack Cusack. Joan Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, and Dan Akroyd round out the cast. Dan Akroyd is cool, I don't care what you say. And anyone who has seen "The Last Shot" knows that Joan Cusack is a comedic genius. And let's be fundamentally honest, you can only watch "Dr. Strangelove" so many times.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

Arch of Triumph
Beetlejuice (Blu-ray)
Butterfly
Casanova Brown
Chicano Cinema and Media Art Series, Vol. 1-4
The Deal
Le Deuxième Souffle
Dirty Sexy Money - Season 1
Dreams on Spec
Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible
Dry Cleaning
The Edge of Heaven
Finding Your Life's Purpose
Flyabout
The Ghost Goes Gear
The Grand
Half Moon
Head of State
Hold You Tight
The Holy Modal Rounders: Bound to Lose
Imelda - Power, Myth, Illusion
I'm Reed Fish
Iron Man (Blu-ray)
Jellyfish (Meduzot)
Joy Division - Here are the Young Men/Substance
Lou Reed Berlin
Marjorie Morningstar
Meet the Spartans
The Mindscape of Alan Moore
Monty Python's Life Of Brian (Blu-ray)
Night Train to Munich
On the Riviera
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest Of Spies
The Paradine Case
P.D. James: Devices and Desires
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Protagonist
Puddle Cruiser
Pushing Daisies - Season 1
Que Te Ha Dado Esa Mujer?!
Reversal of Fortune
Rothko's Rooms / Mark Rothko
Schoolgirl Report, Vol. 3-4
Sergent York
State of the Union
Throw Momma from the Train
Vanaja
View from the Top
War Dance
Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?


OCTOBER SALE:

There's only two Wednesdays left in October to fundamentally take advantage of our Rent one get one free sale. So, on Wednesday, or the Wednesday after that, come, get your free rent on.


RECOMMENDATIONS:

PAUL NEWMAN: Paul Newman is still faking is own death so if you like to watch young, vibrant versions of his former self, the section remains there for your browsing pleasure.

As promised some of the staff at Videotheque has breathed on each other and then after that they've collected their favorite scary movies for the, uh ... Halloween.

Grace's Pix: SUCK MY BLOOD: If vampires are your thing, this'll be your favorite shelf in the whole store. Featuring such vibrant vampire classics as "Interview With the Vampire," "Interview With the Vampire," and "Interview With the Vampire."

Mario's Pix: BALL-BUSTERS: There's nothing more horrific than a ball-buster and you'll find plenty of movies featuring them in this section from "Point of Order," to "Throw Momma From the Train," to "Great Balls of Fire," come in and get your balls fundamentally busted.

Mark 2's Pix: TRUE HORROR: Okay, maybe there are some things more fundamentally horrific than ball-busters. In Mark 2's section, you'll find a good sampling of documentaries about those things, such as "Darwin's Nightmare," "Hearts and Minds," and "In Debt We Trust."

Chuck's Pix: J'aime La Douleur: Fundamentally, I don't know any French as you know and also don't know how to read or write, which is why I never watch subtitled films. I'm guessing this means "I like pain." Again, so cryptic. In here you'll find titles such as "Lady Vengeance" and "Blue Velvet" and "Audition."

Martina's Pix: CHAMPAGNE CHILLERS: You are witnessing the advent of Martina's pix. She asked me to make her sign and I think I made it wrong somehow but she hasn't complained, which I think shows what strong character she has. In here you'll find all those classic horror films you know and love but forgot about 'cause your landlord threw away your rent check, like "Psycho" and "Rosemary's Baby" and other movies I fundamentally can't see from here.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why your landlord can rip you off and you can't do anything about it.