Yesterday when I was walking home from school, I was walking on the sidewalk when all the sudden a sprinkler went on right beside me and sprayed on me and also the litter of delicate hatchlings in my backpack.
I looked up in the front yard of the house I was walking by and saw an old curmudgeon who was just finishing turning on the sprinklers the old timer way, you know, without the ... uh ... timer.
I couldn't help but wonder if the old curmudgeon had done it on purpose out of a deep seated lack of consideration for both me and my hatchlings and a general world view that the public should not be allowed to use public sidewalks.
Also, it was the middle of the afternoon and it's inefficient in a water conservation sense to water your lawn in the middle of the afternoon as that is the time of day that the water will evaporate the quickest. The best time to water your lawn is really at night or early morning, like in the pre-dawn hours. That water will take forevers to evaporate, in which case you're getting the most out it. And that's important, 'cause in a few years the planet will run out of water and there will be global wars over Capri Sun pouches.
NEW RELEASES 10/21:
THE GO-GETTER: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "The Go-Getter." George Lucas from "George Lucas in Love" (not the real George Lucas) directs this film which does for the road movie what "Apocalypse Now" did for the ... uh ... river movie. "Thumbsucker" teams up with the sister from "Almost Famous" in this high stakes adventure. Sometimes just for kicks I like to ask myself, if an old college buddy of mine were to fill my head full of empty promises and one of those empty promises were to involve a celebrity, which celebrity would I want that to be? For me the answer is usually the sister from "Almost Famous."
THE INCREDIBLE HULK: If I made a movie about the Incredible Hulk and it tanked, like "Hulk" starring the guy from "Chopper" my logic would be, "Say, maybe people no longer care for the Jolly Green Giant," and I'd probably move on to something else, like a feature-length "Blossom" movie ... just sayin'. But apparently that is backward thinking where Hollywood is concerned. Instead they thought, hey, let's remake that movie that tanked a couple years ago. And sure enough, recasting the characters and adding a cigar did the trick. Now everybody cannot get enough of the ol' Jolly Green Giant.
SON OF RAMBOW: That's Rambo with a "w". Technically I don't think this is out yet but I think Videotheque got an advanced copy because one of the kids in the movie is a former employee. This movie makes "Billy Elliot" look like "Newsies" when some young guy sees some violent action movies and decides to make his own movie. If you like seeing youngsters survive perilous circumstances that would usually critically injure them, you will love this!
THE STONE ANGEL: Ellen Burstyn makes "The Savages" look like "Newsies" in this film adaptation of the novel of the same name where she reprises her role from "Requiem for a Dream" as a former drug addict whose kids are trying to put her in a home, so instead she pulls a "Bucket List" or a "Bonneville" depending on your preference.
THE STRANGERS: This movie, I have not seen. I hear a lot of people who have not seen "Them" speak highly of it. Sometimes I like to walk around with a burlap sack on my head with eye holes poked in it and then go up to random houses and pound on the door until I hear the occupants scream. Maybe I will do that to the old curmudgeon with the sprinklers.
THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND: The thing with this is this, you see, this is a combination of two nights of the Sex Pistols' 2007 Brixton Academy appearances. If you enjoyed "The Hanna Montana and Miley Cyrus' Best of Both Worlds Concert 3-D Movie" you will probably like this. I say "probably" because I know that you are short-tempered and hard to please because you eat too much sugar.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Bra Boys
Jazz Icons: Series 3
Kickin' It Old Skool
Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan
Red Carpet Double Feature: Fear/Parents
Saturn in Opposition
Stephen King's The Stand
The Trap
Women of the Night
OCTOBER SALE:
On Wednesday October 29th, which is this next Wednesday, I think you should take an evening off from your busy schedule of wearing a burlap sack on your head and pounding on the doors of houses with "Yes on 8" signs until the occupants scream (you need to cut their phone lines for this to work properly, and hope their cell phones don't work, how you figured that out, I don't know), and relax and go by the 'theque and rent ... whudduya callit ... two movies for the price of one. (I'm not advocating tormenting people with political signs, that you don't agree with, in their yards. I'm just saying I know you do it already.)
RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:
As annotated in last week's issue we have recommended sections reflecting the impending Halloween holiday. If you love being scared by the ... uh ... cinema 'cause your real life is not enough of a horror show already like mine, you will love these sections!
...and that's why it rhymes with "hate."
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