A lotta, lotta people say to me, they say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week what the ****, you son of a *****?"
Other more considerate people say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week, is something the matter, buddy?"
Well, in response to the latter, I learned a lot last week about the fundamentals of the realty company that manages the awesome domicile that I rent underneath Thumper and the cast of "Stomp the Yard."
I learned first and foremost that the fundamentals of the woman who processes the rent checks are that she's cold, smug, condescending, and inattentive to the point that she threw my rent check for October out with the trash and then accused me of not paying my rent.
After writing a new check, plus paying a late fee, putting a stop payment on the original check, and getting accused of the fundamentals of lying in spite of a paper trail of a half a dozen documents that suggest the fundamentals of the contrary, I spiraled into the fundamentals of a deep depression.
See, when you're already depressed, and you get further depressed, you're in a deep depression. At least those are the fundamentals of it.
Fundamentally, I tried several things to get myself out of this funk. First I tried drinking, which I hadn't done since 1994. While this taught me a few fundamentals about alcohol, like that it's not as bitter as it used to be and that it didn't help the situation, it just made me less angry for about 5 minutes.
Then fundamentally, I tried hanging out with two gorgeous women who each had their own personal them songs. One's was that song "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow. The other one's was that song "Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club. While that helped a super, super lot, fundamentally, I was just less angry for about oh ... a day.
Then I tried looking for a new domicile, which fundamentally only served to make me more depressed because, man, nothing worse than somebody in the realty business who likes money more than people, which is everyone. You see, because you are a person, not money, at least fundamentally.
Fundamentally, I thought I had exhausted all my options, but then yesterday, I had the radio on and that song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba came on and I thought, three things, first I thought, "Man, it's time for Chumbawumba to make a comeback," and secondly I thought, "This is MY theme song," and thirdly I thought, "Man ... this song really speaks to me."
I went directly from there and had "W.W.C.D?" tattooed across my chest in the largest letters that would fit. That's "What Would Chumbawumba Do?" you know. And the letters are very large as I am a barrel-chested idiot who rents from incompetent, money-grubbing scumbags! But I digress, fundamentally.
My fundamental point is that you have Chumbawumba to thank for this blog and this blog will probably be extree long 'cause even when you're deeply depressed and homicidal because somebody is systematically destroying your life, movies fundamentally still come out regardless.
NEW RELEASES 10/07:
30 ROCK - SEASON 2: In an ideal world I would probably watch this show 'cause I love Must-See Thursdays or whatever day this comes on. But I haven't seen this show as of yet, 'cause the world is not ideal, but I can tell from the fundamentals of the title that it's clearly about the illegal drug trade. I understand that Tina Fey is in it, rudely upstaging Tracy Morgan.
BOY A: Fundamentally, I haven't seen this movie. Somebody told me they really liked it and told me that they thought I would really like it and that I would probably relate a lot with the main character. Then I looked up the synopsis and it says it's about a guy getting out of prison for fundamentally murdering someone when he was younger. So, I was like, "Hey, wait a minute!" but it was too late 'cause it was fundamentally much later than when they said I would like it.
THE HAPPENING: Every time ol' M. Night comes out with a movie, people I know go see it in the theater and they're like, "Oh, fundamentally it's so bad!" and then I wait for it to come out on DVD and watch it 'cause even if something is fundamentally bad, fundamentally you should decide that for yourself, 'cause who knows, maybe you'll fundamentally enjoy it. So, um, yeah, the thing is this, I attempted to watch it but there was some sort of happening with my DVD player so it wouldn't load, so I still haven't seen it, but based on the trailer, I'm a little upset 'cause it seems John Lequizamo stole my look for this movie ... y'know, the sporty dork look ... also, there's mention of bees dying in the trailer and as a bee advocate, I think it's fundamentally wrong to make up fake reasons why bees are dropping dead when in reality they are dropping dead and no one really knows why. It's kind of irresponsible. Fundamentally, you might want to argue this point, but fundamentally, you're also probably a bee hater.
JOY RIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD: This movie is about why all the bees are dying. Just kidding. Fundamentally this is the sequel to the ... uh ... first "Joy Ride." All different personnel; same money machine. I tried to watch this as I had seen the first one and felt like I needed closure, but after I watched a generous portion of the first half of it, I no longer needed closure that bad, but if you like to see scantily clad youngsters get mowed down by big rigs, this is fundamentally your cup of tea.
THE SIMPSONS - SEASON 11: I remember back in 1987, watching "The Tracy Ullman Show" and there were these animated shorts and I thought to myself, "These animated shorts are great, somebody should create a long-running series based on it." Never happened. Stupid studio big wigs.
SLACKER UPRISING: Fundamentally this is a new Michael Moore documentary where he fundamentally gives birth to a new political generation. In that way, this movie is fundamentally a lot like that Arnold Schwartzenegger movie "Junior" but with less politics.
SPIRIT OF THE MARATHON: This is a documentary about the trials and tribulations of running the Chicago marathon. Fundamentally I think marathons are a good thing and the fact that they make me feel like a lethargic wimp is more my fault than the fault of the marathon itself.
THE VISITOR: I really had no idea what this was until five trillion people started telling me it was great. I still kind of didn't know what it was about and so I was reading the uh ... plot summary and it says that it's about a college professor who befriends two victims of a real estate scam. What a fundamental coincidence, a movie that involves a real estate scam and me reeling from a realty management company being smarmy money-grubbing scumbags.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN: Every once in a while a movie comes out and you see giant billboards with a giant crotch prominently displayed and you sort of cringe and say to yourself, "Egads, I am much too refined for that filth!" But then you finally slum it one day because you're in a downward spiral that has caused you to lose your ability to watch anything serious because it just reminds you of how lousy your day-to-day life is, and then you realize that you had misjudged the billboard ... you were fundamentally, how do you say, ah, yes ... prejudice. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" features exceptional performances by Rob Schneider and John Tuturro and comes close to accomplishing something that has been next to impossible for hundreds of years, which is bringing Isrealis and Palastinians together over a cup of joe and a bagel.
NEW RELEASES 10/14:
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: I got hornswaggled into seeing this in the theater with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. After I saw it, everyone was like, "Hey, how was it?" I tell everyone the same two fundamental things. First of all, that "Temple of Doom" used to be my least favorite Indiana Jones movie. Used to be! And secondly that it's like a cross between "Caddyshack" and "Apocalypto." Everyone I tell that looks at me like I'm an insane savage, but it's the truth, and the truth hurts. Watch it and see!
MONGOL: THE RISE OF GENGHIS KHAN: Fundamentally, I have not seen this movie, for the basic reason that I often eat at Mongolian BBQ in regular Pasadena and I feel like that suffices. I eat there every night. You may prefer to watch this movie, though.
THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM - SEASON 2, VOL. 1: This Sarah Silverman is someone who gets it. Gets it big time. And judging by the fact that this second season is being put out in volumes like as if it were "Sex and the City's" last season or the "Sopranos'" last season, I can fundamentally deduce a few possibilities. The first one is that real estate agents are fundamentally money-grubbing scumbags. The second one is that it's wildly popular like those other two aforementioned shows. The third one is that this is its last season. Watch it and learn what it means to "get it"!
STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE: Prior to this I'd seen about five million Abu Ghraib documentaries. Five million is a euphemism for three. This one is the most conclusive and ol' Errol Morris seems to fundamentally have a budget or something. If you like to watch people take the fall for their superiors in graphic detail, you'll enjoy this romantic love triangle.
STUCK: Stuart Gordon makes "Reservation Road" look like "Newsies" in this movie where Mena Suvari plays Mena Suvari with corn-rows who fundamentally runs down somebody on the road with her car after her landlord throws away her rent check and accuses her of not paying her rent that month.
WAR, INC.: If you're concerned about political goings-on but your brain is fried from the scourge on humanity that is humanity, you might enjoy this comedic effort from Jack Cusack. Joan Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, and Dan Akroyd round out the cast. Dan Akroyd is cool, I don't care what you say. And anyone who has seen "The Last Shot" knows that Joan Cusack is a comedic genius. And let's be fundamentally honest, you can only watch "Dr. Strangelove" so many times.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Arch of Triumph
Beetlejuice (Blu-ray)
Butterfly
Casanova Brown
Chicano Cinema and Media Art Series, Vol. 1-4
The Deal
Le Deuxième Souffle
Dirty Sexy Money - Season 1
Dreams on Spec
Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible
Dry Cleaning
The Edge of Heaven
Finding Your Life's Purpose
Flyabout
The Ghost Goes Gear
The Grand
Half Moon
Head of State
Hold You Tight
The Holy Modal Rounders: Bound to Lose
Imelda - Power, Myth, Illusion
I'm Reed Fish
Iron Man (Blu-ray)
Jellyfish (Meduzot)
Joy Division - Here are the Young Men/Substance
Lou Reed Berlin
Marjorie Morningstar
Meet the Spartans
The Mindscape of Alan Moore
Monty Python's Life Of Brian (Blu-ray)
Night Train to Munich
On the Riviera
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest Of Spies
The Paradine Case
P.D. James: Devices and Desires
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Protagonist
Puddle Cruiser
Pushing Daisies - Season 1
Que Te Ha Dado Esa Mujer?!
Reversal of Fortune
Rothko's Rooms / Mark Rothko
Schoolgirl Report, Vol. 3-4
Sergent York
State of the Union
Throw Momma from the Train
Vanaja
View from the Top
War Dance
Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?
OCTOBER SALE:
There's only two Wednesdays left in October to fundamentally take advantage of our Rent one get one free sale. So, on Wednesday, or the Wednesday after that, come, get your free rent on.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
PAUL NEWMAN: Paul Newman is still faking is own death so if you like to watch young, vibrant versions of his former self, the section remains there for your browsing pleasure.
As promised some of the staff at Videotheque has breathed on each other and then after that they've collected their favorite scary movies for the, uh ... Halloween.
Grace's Pix: SUCK MY BLOOD: If vampires are your thing, this'll be your favorite shelf in the whole store. Featuring such vibrant vampire classics as "Interview With the Vampire," "Interview With the Vampire," and "Interview With the Vampire."
Mario's Pix: BALL-BUSTERS: There's nothing more horrific than a ball-buster and you'll find plenty of movies featuring them in this section from "Point of Order," to "Throw Momma From the Train," to "Great Balls of Fire," come in and get your balls fundamentally busted.
Mark 2's Pix: TRUE HORROR: Okay, maybe there are some things more fundamentally horrific than ball-busters. In Mark 2's section, you'll find a good sampling of documentaries about those things, such as "Darwin's Nightmare," "Hearts and Minds," and "In Debt We Trust."
Chuck's Pix: J'aime La Douleur: Fundamentally, I don't know any French as you know and also don't know how to read or write, which is why I never watch subtitled films. I'm guessing this means "I like pain." Again, so cryptic. In here you'll find titles such as "Lady Vengeance" and "Blue Velvet" and "Audition."
Martina's Pix: CHAMPAGNE CHILLERS: You are witnessing the advent of Martina's pix. She asked me to make her sign and I think I made it wrong somehow but she hasn't complained, which I think shows what strong character she has. In here you'll find all those classic horror films you know and love but forgot about 'cause your landlord threw away your rent check, like "Psycho" and "Rosemary's Baby" and other movies I fundamentally can't see from here.
www.vidtheque.com
...and that's why your landlord can rip you off and you can't do anything about it.
Other more considerate people say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week, is something the matter, buddy?"
Well, in response to the latter, I learned a lot last week about the fundamentals of the realty company that manages the awesome domicile that I rent underneath Thumper and the cast of "Stomp the Yard."
I learned first and foremost that the fundamentals of the woman who processes the rent checks are that she's cold, smug, condescending, and inattentive to the point that she threw my rent check for October out with the trash and then accused me of not paying my rent.
After writing a new check, plus paying a late fee, putting a stop payment on the original check, and getting accused of the fundamentals of lying in spite of a paper trail of a half a dozen documents that suggest the fundamentals of the contrary, I spiraled into the fundamentals of a deep depression.
See, when you're already depressed, and you get further depressed, you're in a deep depression. At least those are the fundamentals of it.
Fundamentally, I tried several things to get myself out of this funk. First I tried drinking, which I hadn't done since 1994. While this taught me a few fundamentals about alcohol, like that it's not as bitter as it used to be and that it didn't help the situation, it just made me less angry for about 5 minutes.
Then fundamentally, I tried hanging out with two gorgeous women who each had their own personal them songs. One's was that song "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow. The other one's was that song "Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club. While that helped a super, super lot, fundamentally, I was just less angry for about oh ... a day.
Then I tried looking for a new domicile, which fundamentally only served to make me more depressed because, man, nothing worse than somebody in the realty business who likes money more than people, which is everyone. You see, because you are a person, not money, at least fundamentally.
Fundamentally, I thought I had exhausted all my options, but then yesterday, I had the radio on and that song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba came on and I thought, three things, first I thought, "Man, it's time for Chumbawumba to make a comeback," and secondly I thought, "This is MY theme song," and thirdly I thought, "Man ... this song really speaks to me."
I went directly from there and had "W.W.C.D?" tattooed across my chest in the largest letters that would fit. That's "What Would Chumbawumba Do?" you know. And the letters are very large as I am a barrel-chested idiot who rents from incompetent, money-grubbing scumbags! But I digress, fundamentally.
My fundamental point is that you have Chumbawumba to thank for this blog and this blog will probably be extree long 'cause even when you're deeply depressed and homicidal because somebody is systematically destroying your life, movies fundamentally still come out regardless.
NEW RELEASES 10/07:
30 ROCK - SEASON 2: In an ideal world I would probably watch this show 'cause I love Must-See Thursdays or whatever day this comes on. But I haven't seen this show as of yet, 'cause the world is not ideal, but I can tell from the fundamentals of the title that it's clearly about the illegal drug trade. I understand that Tina Fey is in it, rudely upstaging Tracy Morgan.
BOY A: Fundamentally, I haven't seen this movie. Somebody told me they really liked it and told me that they thought I would really like it and that I would probably relate a lot with the main character. Then I looked up the synopsis and it says it's about a guy getting out of prison for fundamentally murdering someone when he was younger. So, I was like, "Hey, wait a minute!" but it was too late 'cause it was fundamentally much later than when they said I would like it.
THE HAPPENING: Every time ol' M. Night comes out with a movie, people I know go see it in the theater and they're like, "Oh, fundamentally it's so bad!" and then I wait for it to come out on DVD and watch it 'cause even if something is fundamentally bad, fundamentally you should decide that for yourself, 'cause who knows, maybe you'll fundamentally enjoy it. So, um, yeah, the thing is this, I attempted to watch it but there was some sort of happening with my DVD player so it wouldn't load, so I still haven't seen it, but based on the trailer, I'm a little upset 'cause it seems John Lequizamo stole my look for this movie ... y'know, the sporty dork look ... also, there's mention of bees dying in the trailer and as a bee advocate, I think it's fundamentally wrong to make up fake reasons why bees are dropping dead when in reality they are dropping dead and no one really knows why. It's kind of irresponsible. Fundamentally, you might want to argue this point, but fundamentally, you're also probably a bee hater.
JOY RIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD: This movie is about why all the bees are dying. Just kidding. Fundamentally this is the sequel to the ... uh ... first "Joy Ride." All different personnel; same money machine. I tried to watch this as I had seen the first one and felt like I needed closure, but after I watched a generous portion of the first half of it, I no longer needed closure that bad, but if you like to see scantily clad youngsters get mowed down by big rigs, this is fundamentally your cup of tea.
THE SIMPSONS - SEASON 11: I remember back in 1987, watching "The Tracy Ullman Show" and there were these animated shorts and I thought to myself, "These animated shorts are great, somebody should create a long-running series based on it." Never happened. Stupid studio big wigs.
SLACKER UPRISING: Fundamentally this is a new Michael Moore documentary where he fundamentally gives birth to a new political generation. In that way, this movie is fundamentally a lot like that Arnold Schwartzenegger movie "Junior" but with less politics.
SPIRIT OF THE MARATHON: This is a documentary about the trials and tribulations of running the Chicago marathon. Fundamentally I think marathons are a good thing and the fact that they make me feel like a lethargic wimp is more my fault than the fault of the marathon itself.
THE VISITOR: I really had no idea what this was until five trillion people started telling me it was great. I still kind of didn't know what it was about and so I was reading the uh ... plot summary and it says that it's about a college professor who befriends two victims of a real estate scam. What a fundamental coincidence, a movie that involves a real estate scam and me reeling from a realty management company being smarmy money-grubbing scumbags.
YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN: Every once in a while a movie comes out and you see giant billboards with a giant crotch prominently displayed and you sort of cringe and say to yourself, "Egads, I am much too refined for that filth!" But then you finally slum it one day because you're in a downward spiral that has caused you to lose your ability to watch anything serious because it just reminds you of how lousy your day-to-day life is, and then you realize that you had misjudged the billboard ... you were fundamentally, how do you say, ah, yes ... prejudice. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" features exceptional performances by Rob Schneider and John Tuturro and comes close to accomplishing something that has been next to impossible for hundreds of years, which is bringing Isrealis and Palastinians together over a cup of joe and a bagel.
NEW RELEASES 10/14:
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: I got hornswaggled into seeing this in the theater with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. After I saw it, everyone was like, "Hey, how was it?" I tell everyone the same two fundamental things. First of all, that "Temple of Doom" used to be my least favorite Indiana Jones movie. Used to be! And secondly that it's like a cross between "Caddyshack" and "Apocalypto." Everyone I tell that looks at me like I'm an insane savage, but it's the truth, and the truth hurts. Watch it and see!
MONGOL: THE RISE OF GENGHIS KHAN: Fundamentally, I have not seen this movie, for the basic reason that I often eat at Mongolian BBQ in regular Pasadena and I feel like that suffices. I eat there every night. You may prefer to watch this movie, though.
THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM - SEASON 2, VOL. 1: This Sarah Silverman is someone who gets it. Gets it big time. And judging by the fact that this second season is being put out in volumes like as if it were "Sex and the City's" last season or the "Sopranos'" last season, I can fundamentally deduce a few possibilities. The first one is that real estate agents are fundamentally money-grubbing scumbags. The second one is that it's wildly popular like those other two aforementioned shows. The third one is that this is its last season. Watch it and learn what it means to "get it"!
STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE: Prior to this I'd seen about five million Abu Ghraib documentaries. Five million is a euphemism for three. This one is the most conclusive and ol' Errol Morris seems to fundamentally have a budget or something. If you like to watch people take the fall for their superiors in graphic detail, you'll enjoy this romantic love triangle.
STUCK: Stuart Gordon makes "Reservation Road" look like "Newsies" in this movie where Mena Suvari plays Mena Suvari with corn-rows who fundamentally runs down somebody on the road with her car after her landlord throws away her rent check and accuses her of not paying her rent that month.
WAR, INC.: If you're concerned about political goings-on but your brain is fried from the scourge on humanity that is humanity, you might enjoy this comedic effort from Jack Cusack. Joan Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, and Dan Akroyd round out the cast. Dan Akroyd is cool, I don't care what you say. And anyone who has seen "The Last Shot" knows that Joan Cusack is a comedic genius. And let's be fundamentally honest, you can only watch "Dr. Strangelove" so many times.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Arch of Triumph
Beetlejuice (Blu-ray)
Butterfly
Casanova Brown
Chicano Cinema and Media Art Series, Vol. 1-4
The Deal
Le Deuxième Souffle
Dirty Sexy Money - Season 1
Dreams on Spec
Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible
Dry Cleaning
The Edge of Heaven
Finding Your Life's Purpose
Flyabout
The Ghost Goes Gear
The Grand
Half Moon
Head of State
Hold You Tight
The Holy Modal Rounders: Bound to Lose
Imelda - Power, Myth, Illusion
I'm Reed Fish
Iron Man (Blu-ray)
Jellyfish (Meduzot)
Joy Division - Here are the Young Men/Substance
Lou Reed Berlin
Marjorie Morningstar
Meet the Spartans
The Mindscape of Alan Moore
Monty Python's Life Of Brian (Blu-ray)
Night Train to Munich
On the Riviera
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest Of Spies
The Paradine Case
P.D. James: Devices and Desires
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Protagonist
Puddle Cruiser
Pushing Daisies - Season 1
Que Te Ha Dado Esa Mujer?!
Reversal of Fortune
Rothko's Rooms / Mark Rothko
Schoolgirl Report, Vol. 3-4
Sergent York
State of the Union
Throw Momma from the Train
Vanaja
View from the Top
War Dance
Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?
OCTOBER SALE:
There's only two Wednesdays left in October to fundamentally take advantage of our Rent one get one free sale. So, on Wednesday, or the Wednesday after that, come, get your free rent on.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
PAUL NEWMAN: Paul Newman is still faking is own death so if you like to watch young, vibrant versions of his former self, the section remains there for your browsing pleasure.
As promised some of the staff at Videotheque has breathed on each other and then after that they've collected their favorite scary movies for the, uh ... Halloween.
Grace's Pix: SUCK MY BLOOD: If vampires are your thing, this'll be your favorite shelf in the whole store. Featuring such vibrant vampire classics as "Interview With the Vampire," "Interview With the Vampire," and "Interview With the Vampire."
Mario's Pix: BALL-BUSTERS: There's nothing more horrific than a ball-buster and you'll find plenty of movies featuring them in this section from "Point of Order," to "Throw Momma From the Train," to "Great Balls of Fire," come in and get your balls fundamentally busted.
Mark 2's Pix: TRUE HORROR: Okay, maybe there are some things more fundamentally horrific than ball-busters. In Mark 2's section, you'll find a good sampling of documentaries about those things, such as "Darwin's Nightmare," "Hearts and Minds," and "In Debt We Trust."
Chuck's Pix: J'aime La Douleur: Fundamentally, I don't know any French as you know and also don't know how to read or write, which is why I never watch subtitled films. I'm guessing this means "I like pain." Again, so cryptic. In here you'll find titles such as "Lady Vengeance" and "Blue Velvet" and "Audition."
Martina's Pix: CHAMPAGNE CHILLERS: You are witnessing the advent of Martina's pix. She asked me to make her sign and I think I made it wrong somehow but she hasn't complained, which I think shows what strong character she has. In here you'll find all those classic horror films you know and love but forgot about 'cause your landlord threw away your rent check, like "Psycho" and "Rosemary's Baby" and other movies I fundamentally can't see from here.
www.vidtheque.com
...and that's why your landlord can rip you off and you can't do anything about it.
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