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Often times people will say to me, "Hello, Rebecca Dylan, what new things did you learn this week?"
Well, I learned many a great thing.
I learned that the other girls at school are talking behind my back. They say I have a huge forehead and I sweat too much. And I'm like, whatever. I told my butler this. He said to tell them, "What difference does it make to you if I have a huge forehead and sweat a lot, you damn idiots?!"
Anywhoo, I also learned a lot about genre. Mother says that it's French and means "kind" or "sort" and that you can classify books, movies, plays, and so on in different genres, for example if a story is a romantic drama, they can go in the romantic drama section and so on.
I was sharing this newfound knowledge with my friend and cello player who also frequents Videotheque. She insists that genre is conditional based on how easy it is to shelve an item in a given genre. For example, if there's a sci-fi movie, but the sci-fi section is filled to overflowing, you can just shelve it wherever. So, if you want to find a movie at Videotheque, don't bother looking, just go straight to the counter and demand it. Don't even ask, don't be like, "Do you know where 'Back to the Future' is?" Just be like, "I want 'Back to the Future' and I want it now!" That's what they're there for, the clerks, they have to get the movie for you. It's their job.
I also learned that my friends like to point fingers.
I also learned that suicide isn't the answer. I think if you're feeling suicidal you should get some Bon Bons and some French milled soap and take a long bath and then take a nap. If that doesn't help, you have some serious problems that might call for some Haagen Daaz and a masseuse.
NEW RELEASES 08/26:
CHICAGO 10: I know what you're thinking, you're like, "Uhhh ... okay ... I saw 'Chicago,' where's 'Chicago's 2 through 9'?" Well, this isn't like that. This is like "Leonard Part 6" or "Girl 6" where they didn't bother to make the prequels. If you care at all about the Democratic National Convention, you should really watch this. You can read A.O. Scott's review of this film and basically change everything to mean the opposite that it does in his and that's how I feel about this film. Then you can take his review as is and apply it to him, rather than the film, and that would be my review of A.O. Scott.
ENTOURAGE - SEASON 4: I haven't seen this show because I prefer doing homework to watching TV. Also, mother loves this show, but I suspect that it's simply filling a void left by father who always works late. Regardless, Adrian Grenier is in this and I think he's sexy.
MY SASSY GIRL: I wanted to see this movie but couldn't because it coincided with an important ballet recital that I had. My butler knew that I wanted to see it and he claims that it's a U.S. remake of a Korean film. He cited something about a script shortage in the U.S. that is causing them to have to remake films from overseas. He also says that Elisha Cuthbert is F-I-N-E and I should be ashamed of myself for missing it, which makes me question whether or not I should tell father to rethink his employment.
THE PASSION OF THE MAO: This is the fourth film in the passion series, there was "the Christ," then "the Jew," then "Greg the Bunny," and now this one. Who knew there was so much passion to go around. You wouldn't know it just by walking down the street. They should make a fifth one called, "The Passion of Checking your Blind Spot," and make it required viewing for everyone I encountered on the road yesterday. Apparently this is a documentary that points out the funnier side of communism. Which reminds me...
Sad that the Olympics are over? Fill that void. Rent some other movies that take place in China, like for example, "Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Prices."
THE REAL MCCAIN: This is the sequel to "The Real McCoy" starring Kim Basinger and Val Kilmer. Just kidding. This is a documentary from the Robert Greenwald camp about the man that father is going to vote for. To be nice, I rented it for father. He scoffed at it and didn't watch it and instead said that he remembered something he had to do at the office and then he left the house late at night. Our butler saw it sitting around the house and watched it and he later came to me while I was working on my AP homework and asked if I was the one who had rented it. When I told him it was me, he told me to keep up the good work.
REDBELT: I stay up late some nights watching UFC. I don't like sports or fighting, but I do enjoy UFC, because on its most basic level it is big sweaty guys in boxer shorts hugging, which I love. If you are a fan of UFC you will probably punch a wall if you try and watch this David Mamet film which deals less with fighting and more with these things most people haven't heard of called loyalty and compassion.
THE SHIELD - SEASON 6: When I'm not watching UFC to see guys hug each other in their boxers, I like to watch this show because it stars the Commish and he has a sexy bald head. Guys with bald heads are sexy. They are probably the sexiest thing on the planet. I love them.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Best of Both Worlds Concert: The 3-D Movie
Frontline: The Persuaders
Justin Timberlake: Futuresex/Loveshow Live from Madison Square Garden
The Last Detective - Series 4
Magnificent Obsession
Paul Leni's The Man Who Laughs
The Nightmare Before Christmas (Blu-ray)
Please Vote for Me
Popeye the Sailor: 1933-1938, Vol. 1
Sudden Manhattan
www.vidtheque.com
...and that's why the violin is such an amazing instrument.
When people aren't trying to beat me walking crossing the street with their big honkin' car so they don't have to wait for 10 seconds in the comfort of their car while I cross, they often ask me, they ask, "Say, M.F. Luder, what did you do this weekend?" Well my answer to that is simple...
I went spelunking, but on the outside of mountains, which I think is what you call, how do you say ... ah, yes ... mountain climbing. Anywhoo, I went hiking with my wife Eve 6 and our 17-year-old daughter Eve 10.
Once we got to the tippy, tippy top of the mountain, I accidentally slipped and fell and plunged to my death. I am blogging posthumously. Anywhoo, you got these cats over here and these cats over there, and these cats at the Fresno Bee picked up on the story and the title of the article was supposed to be, "Climber Plunged to His Death," but there was a typo and they mistakenly titled the article, "Climber Plunged to Death."
Then a major network news magazine show did a whole expose about the dangers of toilet plungers and everyone thinks I got plunged to death, which isn't cool, when plunging to your death is cool, which is what I did. But when you're dead, you can't correct this sh**. You just have to sit here and take it.
In unrelated news, I heard today that Christina Applegate had her boobies removed 'cause of the big C. Damn you big C! Now, I would just like to relay a personal note to Christina.
Ahem.
Christina, back when I went to a taping of "Married with Children" in the mid-90's, I felt that you and I shared a moment when you were between takes and I was sitting in the audience like a chump. You looked at me, like, I don't know, like maybe we had this connection.
I think "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead" is good and aging much more gracefully than that other babysitter movie, which we won't mention by name.
Also, "The Sweetest Thing" I thought was off the heazzzy fo' sheezzzy. It was sick, I'm not denying that, but that sickness appealed to me.
Boobs or no boobs or fake boobs you will always be my dream girl. You can take that to the bank, girlfriend.
And now a personal note to the big C.
Ahem.
F you big C!
These comments about boobies do not reflect the views of Videotheque or its staff, and you can't complain to me about it 'cause I got plunged to death, so you're gonna have to tough it out, you damn sensitive types.
NEW RELEASES 08/19:
Today is Chris' birthday. His name starts out the same as Christina's.
DANA CARVEY: SQUATTING MONKEYS TELL NO LIES: I missed this one on account of the plunging incident, but I wish I could watch it. You can watch it 'cause you are alive. You shouldn't take that for granted, either.
DEXTER - SEASON 2: I haven't seen this show but a lot of peeps recommended it to me before I got plunged. Apparently it's about a socially acceptable serial killer so people are really identifying 'cause they like murder so much. I'm just going to take a moment to lecture here ... uh ... when people get killed, they're dead and that's permanent.
HOUSE, M.D. - SEASON 4: So, um, yeah, the thing is this, I haven't seen this either, but from what I'm gathering, this guy patches up people, like Patch Adams. Boy, did that movie suck. Anywhoo, so this guy is like the opposite of Dexter. I have a crush on him 'cause he doesn't shave and walks around with a cane and a permanent limp, but he's a benevolent jerk, which is endearing. Get into it, buddy!
MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY: I haven't seen this either, but it stars Junebug and the woman from "Fargo" who is the only rational person in the movie ... in "Fargo," I don't know if she's rational in this one.
PROM NIGHT: I haven't seen this one either, and I probably won't 'cause there was no place to park when they were filming, which made me sad. 'Cause after a long day of speeding through crosswalks to beat pedestrians so I don't have to wait 10 seconds, I like a place to park my ride. It also made me sad 'cause I couldn't shop at Puff while they were filming. And you'll notice that Puff is singular and not plural.
QUID PRO QUO: I haven't seen this one either, but I would have liked to 'cause it looks dramatic and I like the drama 'cause it helps me to forget about how tough I've got it. I also like squids and pros and the status quo, so it looks like it's right up my alley.
RECOUNT: I haven't seen this one either, but I would have liked to 'cause I think Sidney Pollack was going to make it if it weren't for the big C! F you, big C! Kevin "Floppy Hat" Spacey stars or something. I think it's fun to watch movies about how your vote doesn't count, so you feel extree marginalized.
THE SMALL BACK ROOM: I haven't seen this either, but it's new from Criterion. A 1949 Powell and Pressburger which sounds like it might make a good double feature with "Recount". I personally prefer a big back room where possible, especially if I'm recounting.
COMEDY CENTRAL'S TV FUNHOUSE: I haven't seen this either, but I would like to, 'cause I like to laugh, 'cause it helps me forget the pain I feel when for example, if I've written a bad blog.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Christina, I would also like to stress that I think you are way better than Christina Aguilera, even though she was in "Shine a Light."
All My Good Countrymen
Big Dreams, Little Tokyo
James Brown Live at the Apollo '68
James Brown Live at the Boston Garden + The Night James Brown Saved Boston
Down the Tracks: The Music That Influenced Bob Dylan
Marco Ferreri: The Collection
Foyle's War - Set 5
How the Garcia Girls Spent Their Summer
Lone Wolf McQuade
Paint Your Wagon
Priceless
Secret Sunshine
Sister Street Fighter + Sister Street Fighter II (Blu-ray)
Watching the Detectives
X-Ray Visions
www.vidtheque.com
...I have a lot of love to give, Christina.
No, I've changed my mind again.
This week I learned a very, important and valuable life lesson. I was driving through Hollister when I saw the writing on the wall. It said, "Life is just ponys and rainbows." I think this person makes a good point.
I also think it's important to keep in mind when you watch the Olympics that there are no pony or rainbow competitions and I think because of this, the Olympics should be boycotted and instead you should cram discs of plastic in your DVD players. And when I say cram, I mean, handle them gently by the edges.
NEW RELEASES 08/12:
Larisa Shepitko: Eclipse Series 11: THE ASCENT: This war movie from 1977, (no, no, not "Star Wars,") is part of the latest Eclipse series and is about two Soviet partisans taking a voyage deep into their souls. When taking a voyage deep into your soul, I think it's important to bring plenty of water and if possible, a snack; something light and nutritious, like granola.
BRAND UPON THE BRAIN!: Criterion's taken it upon themselves to release this film by Guy Madden where he goes back to his boyhood home and memories ensue. I didn't watch this 'cause I have a bad attitude and now I'm sort of starting to regret not watching it 'cause it sounds like it makes "The Weight of Water" look like "Newsies."
CJ7: Stephen Chow gives E.T. a run for his money in this magical sci-fi childrens film, which will have your kid punching walls because he or she doesn't understand Cantonese and can't read well enough to watch a subtitled film. Frustrate your kids with this gem. Do it now!
THE ORANGE THIEF: I saw the cover of this movie. Because of the way the people on the cover were mugging for the camera, I thought it was a documentary about real orange thieves and it kind of looked like Tragic Kingdom, so I got really excited, excited for the DVD, but now I'm realizing it's an Italian comedy about made up fruit thieves, so now I don't know. But if you watched "The Drugstore Cowboy" and thought to yourself, "Mang, this film is really good but I wish they were stealing fruit instead of pharmaceuticals," this film will probably be up your alley like no tomorrow.
POISONED BY POLONIUM: THE LITVINENKO FILE: My compatriot Chuck was asking me what Polonium was and I told her that it was the stuff that Marty needed to get back to the future, but then I decided to look it up, which I did and I wasn't too far off, it's radioactive, so I can only assume it's best to avoid ingesting it, which makes this title all the more exciting. Get excited for this DVD!
THE SEARCH FOR JOHN GISSING: Sometimes when movies are released on DVD and the year it was made kind of doesn't really correspond with the year it was released, it's kind of a sign, I think. Like this diamond in the rough from Mike Binder, made in 2001, out on DVD right now! Get excited for the DVD! I like some movies that Mike Binder's directed. It's got Janine Garafolo in it, she's great. It's also got Alan Rickman and I like when he falls backward from that high building in "Die Hard," but this movie, I don't know, man, I just do not know.
SMART PEOPLE: This is the movie I probably should've watched instead of "The Search for John Gissing," but I skipped it 'cause I've had Sarah Jessica Parker-lash ever since "Square Pegs." My man Dennis Quaid and Ellen Page and Thomas Haden Church and Sarah Jessica Parker star in this comedy about jaded people who don't shave. That's why I'm thinking now I should've watched it 'cause I no doubt would've related as I never shave my pits or my legs.
SOUTH PARK - SEASON 11: I've only ever seen one episode of "South Park" which ruined a family vacation I was on and also the "Bigger, Longer, and Uncut" movie. But what I've seen I've liked 'cause I find that watching it is a voyage deep into the soul.
Larisa Shepitko: Eclipse Series 11: WINGS: That's right! The "Cheers" spin-off starring Thomas Haden Church is finally out on DVD! Get excited for the DVD! Psyche! It's actually another Russian war movie by Larisa Shepitko. Come get your war on!
THE WIRE - SEASON 5: You asked for it now you're gonna get it! I haven't seen this show because I feel like I'm living it 'cause I feel like every person I encounter is wearing a wire 'cause I'm what the kids these days are calling a paranoid schizophrenic. That's probably not kind of me to say 'cause it makes fun of paranoid schizophrenics, but I think if a paranoid schizophrenic accuses you of making fun of them, you can just play it off by telling them that they're paranoid.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
The Beauty of Ireland
Code Monkeys - Season 1
Days and Clouds
Get Smart - Season 1
The Lawrence Jordan Album
Living with Ed - Season 1
Lost and Found: The Harry Langdon Collection
Riding the Rails
Sunday Morning Funnies: Barney Google and Snuffy Smith + Krazy Kat + Hagar the Horrible + Flash Gordon
The Wayward Cloud
RECOMMENDATIONS:
As usual, the recommended sections continue to trickle in ever-so subtly:
France Gall's pix MON COEUR QUI BAT...: Again, I took three years of French 1 so I know what this means, "My heart is with bat," so clearly she went and saw "The Dark Knight" and loved it. In this section you will find such titles as "A Man and a Woman," "Brief Encounter," "Drama Mex," and "In the Mood for Love."
www.vidtheque.com
...ponys and rainbows.
So, anyway, today when I woke up I looked out my window and birds were hopping around and chirping so I felt like as if I was in that movie "Enchanted" and I was like, today on the ol' blog I'll list a bunch of movies with birds in them. And then I got to the point I'm at now and I'm thinking, that would be a lot of work, so, uh, no.
THIS 08/05:
BIOGRAPHY - BARACK OBAMA (ELECTION UPDATE EDITION): So, some liberals came in and suggested that we should get in some "progressive" or liberal documentaries to offset our collection of right wing propaganda, so we brought this title in to pacify them.
CARMEN: I think Carmen was the name of a Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio's character in "The Color of Money" and it seems whenever I see a cover for any version of "Carmen," Carmen's chest seems to be prominently displayed, so with those three things going for it, I can say without even seeing it that this verison starring the housekeeper from "Spanglish" is going to be off the heazzzy!
THE COUNTERFEITERS: Are you like me? Do you sometimes want to do a double feature of "To Live and Die in L.A." and "Schindler's List" but you don't have the time? I know I do! This film will hit the spot in that case and save your valuable time.
EXECUTIONER'S SONG: This is an oldie but a goodie starring the warden from "Natural Born Killers". Find out what was playing on TV when you were seeing "E.T." in the theater by renting this one!
THE FIRST OLYMPICS: ATHENS 1896: This is an oldie but a goodie. Are you like me? Do you like to scream and punch walls? I know I do! Now you can watch David Caruso do it too in this 1984 miniseries about the first Olympics after they restarted the Olympics after the first Olympics were a thing of the past. I don't know what I just said. Find out what was on TV when you were watching "Finders Keepers" in theaters by renting this one!
LOVE STORY: No, no! Not that mushy Ryan O'Neal movie. This movie is about the band Love. If you don't know the band Love you need to get into them. 'Cause if there's one thing this lonely life has taught me it's that if nobody loves you, you can find love by either renting or purchasing it.
MY BROTHER IS AN ONLY CHILD: I kinda don't like when the movie makers do this, they make up a title that makes absolutely no sense just to get you curious like that ... that "Back to the Future!" Egads! Anywhoo ... this is an Italian film that I glanced briefly at the synopsis of to try and figure out what it was about so I could spew something trite. I gather it's about a love triangle of some kind. If there's one thing this lonely life has taught me, it's that if you can't get a girlfriend, you should steal your brother's girlfriend.
NIM'S ISLAND: I think my Abigail Breslin-lash is setting in with the release of this gem. Nim Rusoe, rhymes with Robinson Crusoe, very inventive, guys, anywhoo ... Nim lives on a deserted island with her scientest father. They are each given a bag with a randomly selected weapon and a few rations of food and water and sent off to kill each other in a no-holds-barred game to the death. They have three days to kill each other. The one who survives wins. And then Nim emails Nell and asks for murder tips. The email reads exactly as follows:
"Dear Nell, Whuddup, dog? Tryin' to kill the old man in a duel to the death. This geezer just will not kick the bucket. Do you have any suggestions? Sincerely, Nim Rusoe. P.S. My name was made up in a story meeting by desperate writers who had 'The Secret of Nimh' and 'Robinson Crusoe' on the melon."
WIRE IN THE BLOOD: PRAYER OF THE BONE: No, no! Not "Play it to the Bone," and ... No, no! Not "Prayer of the Roller Boys!" This movie follows the fifth season of the British crime series "Wire in the Blood" I haven't watched it yet, but it's really popular with the kids.
THAT:
Bizet - Carmen / Jordan, McVicar, von Otter, Haddock, Glyndebourne Festival Opera
Blueprint For Murder + Man In the Attic
Bloodhounds of Broadway
Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - Season 3
Buzzcocks: Hamburg 81: Auf Wiedersehen
Diary + The White Castle + Bert Schierbeek/The Door + Vietnam Opera
Dvorak - Rusalka / Robert Carsen, James Conlon - Fleming, Urbanova, Diadkova, Larin, Opéra de Paris
Fuzz: Sound That Revolutionized the World
The Girl Next Door
Giuseppe Verdi: Falstaff
Handel - Tamerlano / Jonathan Miller, Trevor Pinnock - Bacelli, Randle, Pushee, Norberg-Schulz, Bonitatibus, Abete - Händelfestspiele Halle
Heroes of the East
The Last Winter
Johnny Hallyday Live 1960-69
Help Me Eros
The Hypothesis of the Stolen Painting + The Suspended Vacation
It's the Pied Piper, Charlie Brown
Kirikou et Les Betes Sauvages
Laird
Long Live Pakistan
Lucky Me
Man, Woman, and the Wall
Metropolitan Opera: Centennial Gala
The Millionairess
Mongolian Ping Pong
The Mummy Returns
My Bloody Valentine + April Fool's Day
The New Ice Age + Four Walls + Velocity 40-70 + The Wall + Springtime: Three Portraits
Paris A L'Aube + Blind Child + Beppie + Herman Slobbe/Blind Child 2 + Big Ben/Ben Webster in Europe + The Spirit of the Time + The Cat
Phone Call from a Stranger
The Pom Pom Girls + The Van
Princes and Princesses
The Running Man
The Tale of Tsar Saltan
An Unsuitable Job for a Woman
Vampira The Movie
Voltron
The Wedding Night
What Would Jesus Buy?
THE OTHER:
Many, but not all, of the awesome staff members at the 'theque have new recommended sections. Here they are in particular order:
Grace's pix Body Health + Image: Grace got the idea for this section by watching me. In this section you will see awesome movies about people who are awesome because of their body health and or image like "Pilates for Indie Rockers," "Superstar: The Karen Carpenter something or other," and "Thin."
Mario's pix Your Friends are Your Worst Enemies: It's awesome, it's like Mario's tapped into my brain waves or something. He's got three movies in his section, "American Me," "Donnie Brasco," and "Le Trou."
Biz Mark A's pix Here Come the Stereotypes!: Always original, Biz Mark A trashed his last section 'cause it was derivative of someone else's section which he hadn't previously known about, which was derivative of someone else's section, so now he's got a whole new section of awesome movies that are derivative of other movies that were derivative, or something like that. I honestly don't know what's going on in his section, where you'll find such titles as "The Host" and "Gone with the Wind," and "Deliverance."
Rick's pix People I Relate With: Not awesome! Rick has selected films with characters he identifies with to no end, such films as "The Elephant Man," "Heavy," and "Forrest Gump."
www.vidtheque.com
...so, thanks to popular demand, this will be the last blog I will ever write.
