How are you doing?...Uh huh... Yeah...? That's good to hear! My week has been weird, too! I'm having so many problems at school. I remember when I use wear the same clothes everyday, the kids would call me stinky. Now that I change my underwear and shirts everyday, they call me a "poseur". They say "You're just trying to be like the cool kids, cuz all the cool kids wear clean clothes". They even have a club called "The Clean Clothes Kidz Klub" or CCKK for short. I tried signing up and the teacher in charge just spit on my face. I can't believe Uncle Barry would do that to me!
And to top all that off, the Sadie Hopkins dance is coming up. I tried asking the guy who works at Videotheque out, but he said something about "statutory drapes" or something like that. I've been deciding between either Jimmy Howorth or David Chu. Jimmy is so cute when I see him playing his Nintendo DS behind the bungalows to avoid getting whaled on. And David, he's just as cute when I see him alphabetizing his Magic the Gathering cards in Spanish 1A.
Oh, blog, what do I do! WHAT DO I DO!?
ROVER'S LAST BARK: Part 1
If I were a sociologist or a anthropologist or a paleontologist or a proctologist or some sort of ologist, I'm sure I could make a grip loud of cash by studying people's renting habits. I noticed there are a couple things people go nuts for those are film noirs, dogs, and documentaries about the oil crisis. I've decided to write a short story to capitalize on all of this. I hope you enjoy it. This is just part one. Stay turned for more! (If you are a rich and powerful film producer who would like to pay me money to make this a film, I won't turn it down)
My name is Rover, a Jack Terrier. I'm a detective. Well, I'm a part time detective. When my masters aren't busy walking me and picking up the mess I leave in the side walk, I solve crimes. I saw an episode of Columbo once in my pack leader's living room and thought "I could do this!". I use to solve all sorts of crimes. Bird murders, bones being stolen, or even the illicit cat burglarar. I've done it all.
The problem is I'm not as young as I use to be. I'm nine. I remember when I use to go to the nearest watering hole and make polite overtures to the pretty girls at the end of the bar, in hopes of escorting one home. Now, I'm lucky enough if I can control my bowels before I get off the sidewalk.
I haven't solved a case in at least six months. The last case I was sent on had a cat coming from behind behinds and busting my knees with a tire iron. Sounds more fun than it is. I had to walk around with a pair of wheels until last week. I was considering retiring until she stepped in.
She was the greatest Dane I've ever seen. Just seeing her got my proverbial juices flowing. She just walked into my dog house with out asking questions.
"May I came in?" she said with her voice shaking softly.
"Aren't ya already in here" I yapped.
"-but forget it. Come in"
She sits down. "You're Rover, right", she asks.
"Yes'um", I calmly reply.
"The detective that solves crimes"
"Yes, yes, yes. Get to the point!"
"I need to to find something out. I heard from a friend of a friend that you're good at finding things."
"Sheesh! Just ask me the question already!"
"Well, my masters gone missing."
"Huh. Does he have any enemies?"
"Just the entire Republican party."
Stay tuned for next week's continuation of our epic story!
NEW RELEASES FOR THIS WEEK:
Bedtime Stories: There is one thing I don't understand: Why would anyone allow Adam Sandler to get near their kids? Especially before they're going to bed, like they're doing in this film. The only one who's allowed to tuck in my five kids is either me or my life partner. Besides that, I might like this film because it has CGI hamsters. It's as though they read my mind and combined two of my favorite things.
The Day the Earth Stood Still: Keanu Reeves plays the part he was born to play; an alien! Also, if you haven't heard from NPR, our countless documentaries, the news, from your friends, from the National Geographic channel, and from Al Gore, apparently the world is facing environmental problems and Hollywood's solution is to film expensive movies where countless large vehicles carrying all the film equipment leave a carbon foot print the size of Marlon Brando. Dang, I zinged Marlon Brando despite his handicap of being dead.
Donkey Punch: So if you're one of these sensitive religious types, I'm going to assume you will not like this film. I've been told that when you assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me", so we both lose there. Maybe you're religious but still like the act of donkey punching. I don't know, but that sort of thing just doesn't fly with me. This film is advertised as a "shocking thriller", so I hope the pay off is good when the donkey punch the villian to death!
Doubt: Again, if you're one of these sensitive religious types, I DOUBT the notion of God's servants allegedly acting in conduct unbecoming will fly with you either. Hahaha! HAHAHAAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Did you see that! Get it!? I said Doubt! That's the movie's title! Hahahaha! BOO YAH!
Tale of Despereaux: In an age where the illiteracy rate is ridiculous high, the children of America are given a film with a name most thiry year-olds can't pronounce. I'm sure if you're child watches this film, his I.Q. may increase a substantial amount causing their brains to over-develop and causing us to evolve into a more sophisticated breed of humans. But we don't want this do we?
Yes Man: I want to make a pun so badly. Something along the lines of "Yes Man? More like No Man! That movie looks bad!" or "Yes Man! Yes! Finally a film for the common Man!", but it's way too easy. Instead, I'll leave that up to Gene Shalit. Besides, I've already done a pun this week (see: Doubt). Instead, let me discuss Zooey Deschanel (Jim Carrey gets enough s***). Who is she and where did she come from? Who decided to put her opposite of Jim Carrey, a man who's eighteen years her senior? Geez, the over-privalaged got it easy! You know, I would let her slide if she was gorgeous or extremly talented, but she just looks like any girl you'd see working behind the register at the Gap. Believe me, this blogger is not very attractice by any means (though he wishes the opposite), but I just don't get it. Maybe I'm out of touch with the youth of America.
MO' MOVIES, MO' PROBLEMS:
An American in Paris (Blu)
Babar/King of the Elephants
Bauhaus/Shadow of Light
Celebrity Nude Review Vol.1
Cleopatra (De Mille)
Heaven on Earth
Jihad in Love
Leonard Cohen/T.V. Collection
Scott Walker Anthology
The Smiths/Eirope 83 & 84
Tim Buckley/Starsailor is Coming
Tokyo Gore Crimes
Maurice Jarre: In memory of his contributions to the pantheon of great cinematic scores, we've put up a little section for the late Maurice Jarre. Hopefully, you'll pick up a a copy of "Ryan's Daughter", "Eyes Without a Face", or even "Top Secret" and solemnly bow your head down in memory.
ADIOS! UNTIL NEXT WEEK:
THIS WEEK'S MORAL:
Despite what your friends may try to convince you to do at the beach, the ocean is not a toilet. And if you try to use it as a bidet, you'll just get sand in your crack.
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