05:31

hey all

so I can imagine you are reading this from the very comfort of your own home, maybe drinking a glass of wine or Naked Orange Juice, stereo in the background playing Vashti Bunyan's Just Another Diamond Day, and your shoes on the floor lying next to your Jack Russel Terrier. All the while a certain two, namely myself and Megs, starve our soul here at VT. Now if I were a veteran or my pops, I think I'd be offended and upset at not getting the chance to observe such a patriotic day. But alas, since I am not, and know not, I am forced to stand here in my new kicks, and give you the latest--and what appears to be the year's worst--releases. Not that I mind. I love you guys in this place, but one can't help being a bit deflated after seeing Tom, Dick, and Harry floundering in Garfield Park. Now while I pack up my things and get booted out for bitching, here's this weeks, uh, winners:

bring on the unemployment checks:

Boogeyman: It's a sad day in DVDland when I have to start these things off with the film, er movie, er whatever, Boogeyman. Following the shallow footsteps of studio moguls wanting to cash in on young naive moviegoers, this cashcow is full of shock/non-shock shockers and some good looking people. And I'm sad to report that their is not spike going through Paris in this one.

Home Movies Season Deux: From the genius mind of Brendon Small (I don't know who he is either, but someone here loves him) comes this second season of animated craziness. Based on the life of the real life Brendon Small, animation has never been more autobiographical.

Game Over: Kasparov & the Machine: Move over you pansy Bobby Fisher, Kasparov is in town. If you didn't get the reference I am talking about chess, a game I know nothing about but always pretend to know how to play. I've actually kicked some regal ass with mad skills. Anyways, Kasparov dares an IBM superton computer to whoop him in his game of choice. It's kinda how you play solitaire on a lazy Memorial Day, only without the strategy and intellect.

we also have about 1 thousand copies of My Brilliant Career. Come get on so we don't regret our purchase.

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I told you there's nothing. But don't worry! Next week we have tons and new staff recs! Lord knows how much you love those!

go out and take advantage of your day off. I know I would.

www.vidtheque.com

05:24 (nice cannes)

HeeHaw Summer is in full blaze these daze. I'm sweatin more than Condi at the War Commission Hearings. And trust me, that's bucket's full (eww). Despite the sun taking me for a piggy back, Cannes went well on it's way. I usually start these things with some ridiculous non-sequiter, but in light of such a cinematic occasion, I figured I'd be someone professional... Carrots are good, brocoli's better: where is my mind:

The Aviator: That's funny. Howard Hughes said the same thing before chewing on his ten inch finger nails. Leo the Lion stars as the said Hughes in Scorsese's big, gigantic, can't-get-any-bigger-unless-you're-james-cameron-or-ridley-scott EPIC. Featuring a gangbusters cast and a few Academy Awards attached to it's name. I can't say this one tickles my funny bone, but the rest of America and Videotheque certainly can dance atop the Howard Hughes beard. But before you wet your pants at the sound of Hughes' name, let's not forget to thank Mr. Clifford Irving such a delightful story.

Chappelle's Show Season 2: He's gone crazy. South Africa is quite a long way for spiritual healing. Don't you agree? You must admit the timing is questionable, sorta like how Paris Hilton's sex tape came out right before the Simple Life debut. He must be hitting that spiritual magic dust. Maybe his absence will make you appreciate his show more better. Ah hell, just pick up your bong and join the fun.

Fat Actress: I was going to call my reality show that, but Kirstie Alley said she'd eat me if I did. And since I didn't want to become caloric energy, I opted to call it: One Chunk of a Man. It's a dating show *wink wink* Anyways, I'm in no position to make fun of that women, Late Night does it for me, I am simply here to make fun of disabled Chinese dwarfs.

MPD Psycho: Mmm, I'd rather not.

16 Years of Alcohol: Shit! Who knew they made a movie about my dad. So that's what happened to him. Here I thought he was a war hero and died saving a village from Napalm and Jehovas, with only one leg and eye, crawling up & down the mountainous slope of Mt. Kilamanjaro without a translator! I guess my mom lied to me. Pass the scotch.

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That's it. I know I've teased you before but I assure you that our very own zine is on it's way. Don't worry, I'll keep you informed of it's arrival once we get our heads off the bar. Until then, I bid thee a fair day! get off the internet now.

www.vidtheque.com

05:17

Hey dudes After a long, somewhat tiring weekend, I come to this computer to do my weekly drudge. Today it's seems a tad bit trivial, although I do enjoy doing these things. Over the past week, I lost a dear friend. Knowing that some of her friends are kind reader's of this humbled author's quips, my heart goes out to you. Now, onto the funny: oh boy, here it comes:

Kinsey: Sex. It's all you ever think about. Don't you have anything better to do? Yeah I don't either, but still I keep it to myself. Not that hornball Alfred Kinsey. He had to go around peeping into people's bedrooms, discovering everybody's nasty little secrets. He know's yours I bet. And recommends that you use cool whip instead.

Notre Musique: Legendary Jean-Luc Godard actually still makes movies. As to how good they are, is still left to be decided, but at least baby's still in the game. Taking the documentary to a critical format, Godard examines mankind's affinity to war through the ages. Using Dante as his structure his juxtaposition of images, speech and narrative to compile an interesting picture all his own. Here's what IMDB said: The structure is that of the Divina Commedia, with a rhetorical twist. "Death is the impossibility of possibility, or the possibility of impossibility. Thus, 'I is another.'" Or, as Godard explains, it's "champ contre champ," shot and reverse shot, a tacit equation (similarly, "writers don't know what they're talking about, men of action can't express themselves. Look at Mao."). Moreover, each section is described as a "royaume" (the title could be a reference to Rimbaud, "Savant music is lacking to our desire."). oh, I get it.

The Sea Inside: Don't let the Terry Shaivo case fool you. This controversy has been long abound. Euthanasia riles everybody's feathers. I'm thinking the Florida politicians, as well as those inhabiting the white house, didn't take a walk down to the cinema to check this one out. If it were up to me, it'd been homework. The awesome Javier Bardem, stars in Alejandro Amenbar's follow up to The Others. Winner of the 2004 Academy Award for Best Foreign Picture, it certainly will drop some tears slightly flutter your feathers.

Seinfeld Season 4: "It's a Nipple!"

Six Feet Under Season 3: Yes, Yes, Yes it's here. You can't stop salivating for the third season has finally arrived. Come get your fix of one HBO's better, less talked about productions. Featuring Gregory Crewdson photography!

Tarnation: Word of mouth gem, all done on one man's Imac. Jonathan Caouette's first feature mixes home movies, photos, psychedelic swirlies and text to tell of his relationship with his madre. Fascinating in seeing found footage and film functioning as psychotherapy. Now go make yours.

Team America: World Police: The puppets are alive!! Thanks to Trey Parker and Matt Stone, bitches from South Park. Hilarious in making fun of everything and everyone mixed up in the politco world. Puppet sex? Yup, it's there, safely restored for your viewing pleasure. This is funny. Recommended.

White Noise: aejsfdbn;fsvbn;dfvn;dufjvbn;sdfjvb;dsfivbdkfjvnbdsfvndofvnsd;pofnvdsf'ovsdnfdiubvd;oivna;dovbadsf;ovn dafovbasdfpvndf';idfnpasdbnvpasnvas;nvaposbas;osb;usdbf;dsuffnfnasdnvoirhsau ydgyasib;dbvd;fvb;uidb ;svb;asudvbsa;ua;o phew! I hear dead people.

other fine releases that I can't think of anything funny to say: Candide It's Easier for a Camel (Italy) The Green Butchers (Denmark) Bear Cub (Spain) My Mother Likes Women (Spain)

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Now that's all.

Pick up the new West Video Magazine (here, there, everywhere!) to see the debut of our badass commercial. It's worth it for that alone. (Trust me) now go on.

www.vidtheque.com

05:10 (obsequious banter)

hello I was sitting on my bed cutting itty bitty letters out of last September's Artforum, and realized that the American "people" have nothing interesting going on in their lives if they are as captivated by this American Idol/Paula Abdul 'scandal' as I think they are. Please. They should change the name of the show to American Idle. All I'm saying is the show sucks. Now, while I get thrashed and torn into equally itty bitty as my letters, here's a lot of other things to keep you away from channel eleven: completely, utterly terrible:

Alone in the Dark: See the above line.

Assault on Precinct 13: Knowing somewhat John Carpenter's personality, he must be steaming in his pants at the thought of remaking his 1976 version, not that it was an instant classic to being with. It's just that every interview I see with him, there are always to constants: 1) He always seems to be losing more and more hair and 2) He's always pissed off about something. Hmm, maybe it's related.

In Good Company: That used to be Videotheque's motto but we thought it to be sissy-like. So we went with "Videotheque: This ain't yo momma's sto!" And it has seem to work miracles. Topher seems to think so, he is always walking in here thinking about clever comebacks to throw at Ashton Kutcher. And then he goes on and on about how he made out with Scarlett Johansson. Pssh, I say, I got me Paul action last night. The Last Shot: More like Matthew Broderick's last shot at trumping his wife's success. Mean, patronizing, bitter? Yes, I'm all that but at least I can say kindly that I enjoy Alec Baldwin's work. So at least there's some salvation here. Although, you can't blame him for The Cat in the Hat. That was all Ron Howard.

The Life Aquatic: Hipster, geek and cinefiles alike scream with glee when you mention Wes Anderson's name. Bill Murray and a cast that rivals that of It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World, star in this Costeauian tale of love, redemption and pirates(?) I do agree with critics when they say they should give Bill Murray an oscar, I just don't think it's for this movie. But don't get me wrong, he's great. However, I am sad to report that both Pagoda and Luke Wilson are noticebly absent from this picture. and that makes me sad (cue 60s pop jingle).

Life and Death of Peter Sellers: This HBO production finally makes it's way outside the television box, only to be packaged and sent back into the box. Why oh Why do the Entertainment gods play with us!? Anyways, Geoff Rush stars as the titicular character setting comedic standards. Charles Theron co-stars as then-hottie, Britt Ekland amongst a smorgasbord of actors. Merchant of Venice: If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you rent us, are we not returned on time? Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Shakespeare's lesser produced plays made it out with mildy good reviews, despite it's controversy about race relations. Pacino's Shylock is to Shakespeare as to Keanu's Neo is to geeks. Amazing!

Sometimes in April: Fresh of the Rwandian Massacre, this Don Cheadleless HBO production recants yet another story during those tumultuous times. HBO, always willing to sacrifice dollars, pays homage as no other network could. Literally, the goddamn FCC will jump on your backs if you don't oblige. And we have only one woman to blame.

other fine releases: Jan Dara (Thailand) The Pornographer (France) Racing Stripes

************************************* New Staff Recs!

Paul: You're not paranoid if they're really out to get you: You guessed it! Paranoia isn't merely the cause of bad sleep and drugs, sometimes the loons are right. Featuring lots of people running, filled with action and more dramatic climaxes then a Russ Meyer flick! Featuring The Bourne Movies, Ipcress File and 3 days of the Condor.

Andy: La Comedia Del Arte: Pantaloons, Fools and Jesters all abound. Filled with curiouser curiouser clowns and artists, Andy's picks this month collects the best of the best circus circus.

Meg: Female Visionaries: Tired of the inherit sexism throught history? Well this bad-ass section is down your alley. Bring to lightcinema's least appreciated half of the sexes, Meg's section's got enough to make you reconsider film history.

Jessie: No regrets for our youth: Ah kids. Aren't they great? Well, these kids are discovering themselves as well as life. And sometimes it's not easy.

(man!) well that's it. go out and be merry

www.vidtheque.com

05:03 (we came running)

hey While most of Southern California left their condos, beaches and starbucks to trek down to sweltering Coachella Valley this weekend, myself and about hmm, countless others decided to take it easy and selflessly let you have all the fun at this year's music fest. Now, I pride myself on sharing the beautiful, musical wealth, but be now warned: Lollapalooza is mine. HE! While I go and cry in a corner, here's something else for you throw in my face: jealousy also comes in brown:

The Chorus: This ain't your Zack Morris High School Glee Band. It's closer to Mr. Holland's Opus. Although it would be great if there was a French version of Screech running around saying "Zoiks-eur!" Anyways, a bunch of prepubescent boys sing their heart's desire in this heart-warming Frenchie. Bring it home for you, the family or even Michael Jackson. Zinger!

Enduring Love: I've told you since the beginning. Rhys Ifans is crazy! Look at his hair! After witnessing a Danny Deckchair-like accident with a balloon he falls madly in love not with hottie Samantha Morton, but the dude from Tomb Raider! If I was him, I'd be like, dude, I can't be with you. Let me serenade you with the following song: "Love hurts, love scars, Love wounds, and marks, Any heart, not tough, Or strong, enough To take a lot of pain, Take a lot of pain Love is like a cloud Holds a lot of rain Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts" Then he'd be off my jock, damn sure!

National Treasure: If you think this is full of predictable love story, unbelievable plots, overblown fx and too much of Nicolas Cage--your right, but let's not forget how well they've honored our forefathers. You just know Ben Franklin wanted to be a blockbuster hit. All sarcasm aside, I kinda liked it. but shhh, I'll get my ass whooped here if anybody finds out.

Phantom of Opera: Joel Schumacher's come a long way. From putting nipples on Batman's costume to capitalizing on the out-dated musical scene. Let me ask you one thing: Why is he still making movies? The producers should have said NO when they saw 8mm and Flawless on his resume. You should be ashamed Andrew Lloyd Webber, ashamed.

********************* Slim pickins this week I know, but we have new Staff Recs going up, also if you happened to be inside the building, don't look over our new wall! It's called, ahem: Older Titles New to DVD! Rolls right off your tongue doesn't it? Anyways, films that aren't exaclty new--say The Philadelphia Story--that have made their way to plastic will be stored here. So say hello to them.

Thank goodness I'm done, you're giving me finger cramps. bye

www.vidtheque.com