The girl with the future I can't see, enters my life.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if things were different for us. A lot of times I just feel like giving up because most people are so mean, and I probably would have given up this week, but just knowing that you're out there and that it matters to you has kept me going.

We should probably meet up sometime and maybe spend the morning at the beach, taking long walks, then go have a light lunch at a nice restaurant, then got to a museum in the afternoon, then go to a nice restaurant for dinner, then maybe catch a picture at the picture show and go for a long walk and talk about the day we had, whilst holding hands.

Afterwards, if we hit it off, you could come back to my place and I could show you my My Little Pony collection and we could play Chutes and Ladders or Candyland and you could braid my hair while I comb the hair of my Monchhichi.

NEW RELEASES 09/30:

AN AUTUMN AFTERNOON: So, apparently Yasujiro Ozu passed away and this was his final film. Kind of like the way Doug Liman passed away shortly after making "Swingers." A pastime of the kids nowadays is to read over my shoulder whilst I'm doing my research and development for the uh ... blog. While I was looking up "An Autumn Afternoon" to see what it was about since I haven't seen it because I've never watched a subtitled movie in my whole life because I can't read or write, my coworker saw that I was reading about this movie and he said that he thought it was off the heazzzy and that he liked it and said that I should write about it in the uh ... blog. I told him I would. He told me that I wouldn't and that I was lying.

BIGGER, STRONGER, FASTER*: This is kind of like people who binge-eat Big Macs and then get mad at Donald King for making them fat. This documentary is about people who take anabolic steroids so that they can be like the man you elected to be Governor, and now regret it because their muscles are permanently flexed. This is like me, I take blogabolic steroids to enhance my blog writing and it's destroying my body.

CSNY / DEJA VU: This is CSI NY where all of tomorrow's crimes are solved today by a guy who has a subscription for tomorrow's issue of the NY Post, so he knows when a crime is going to happen and then he goes there and waits for the crime to occur so that he can investigate the freshest possible forensic evidence ... oh, wait ... my coworker, reading over my shoulder just told me that this is actually a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young concert. Good thing he or she was reading over my shoulder.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I related with the main character a lot, but only when things weren't going his way. All the parts where good things happen for him, I didn't relate at all. I also related a lot with the guy from "Superbad," but only when things aren't going well for him. All the parts where good things happen for him, I didn't relate at all.

IRON MAN: I missed this movie because I read somewhere that it's actually not good for men to have too much iron in their diet. But a lot of people like this. They're bandwagoning the ol' Robert Downey, Jr. all the sudden. I liked Robert Downey, Jr. even back when he was throwing stuff out the window of his Porsche and waking up in strangers' homes.

TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE: So, apparently when you pulpify someone's legs it kills them, which is disappointing 'cause I know when I arrest someone for nothing, first thing I like to do is pulpify them in an effort to get information from them about things they know nothing about. This is by the director of "Enron: the Smartest Guys in the Room" which explains why your power was going out so much in 2002 and why you hate Gray Davis so much. I thought that one was off the heazzzy. I mostly thought "Taxi to the Dark Side" was off the heazy, too, but there was a brief tangent that seemed almost like a campaign commercial for the guy you're going to vote for in November so it left me feeling confused and dirty. But if you enjoy pulpified non-fiction, and feeling confused and dirty, I think you will enjoy this. I know I did!

THE UNFORESEEN: So, you see, the thing is this, I guess there's a spring-fed river in Texas and this real estate developer wanted to pulpify the environment by developing some real estate, then I guess people protested the pulpifying of the environment and comedy ensued. Just kidding, comedy doesn't ensue, but Robert Redford does. I missed this movie on account of I was too busy pulpifying my environment, but you can watch it!

ALSO AVAILABLE:

$ (Dollars)
9 to 5
25 Mozart Favorites
Affair in Trinidad
Angela Gheorghiu - Live from Covent Garden
Ballet Shoes
Beaufort
The Beggar's Opera
Design 2
Fire Over England
The Garment Jungle
The Godfather (Blu-ray)
The Godfather Part II (Blu-ray)
Handel - Ariodante
Handel's Water Music
Hollywood Rocks the Movies: 1960s Parts 1 & 2
Impressions of Coltrane
Justice League - Season 1
Kiri Te Kanawa - Home & Afar
Mario Lanza
Mother of Tears
Mumia Abu-Jamal: A Case for Reasonable Doubt?
Orphans
Sex Pistols: Anybody Got A Safety Pin?
Tosca's Kiss - Il Bacio di Tosca
Trans-Siberian Orchestra - The Ghost Of Christmas Eve
Yoga For Every Body

OCTOBER SALE: On Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! in October Videotheque is having a Rent 1 Get 1 Free sale. What part of "Free" don't you understand? You should come in and take advantage of this opportunity by renting one movie and getting the other one free.

Like for example, let's say for a long, long time there's been an Al Pacino movie you kind of wanted to watch, but you didn't want to pay your hard earned dollar on it because in your opinion his acting is over-the-top and therefore his movies should not exist, but you still want to watch it anyway, now you can get it without paying for it and only pay for the movie that you feel does have a right to exist.

Now, you're probably asking yourself what to do the rest of the week. Well, during that time you can pay for the movies that you do feel have a right to exist and in your spare time, maybe look up "opinion" in the dictionary and consider the fact that films are a subjective art form and what appeals to other people might not appeal to you and it doesn't make it a bad movie.


RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:

On Saturday morning, I got up real early to watch "Quintet" while having the same breakfast that I have every day, which is Newman's Own Premium Dry Dog Food smothered in Newman's Own Two Thousand Island Dressing as if it were cereal. While I was contemplating the inclusion of High Fructose Corn Syrup in the ingredients on the back of a carton of Newman's Own Lemonade, I had the TV on in the background, when the news came over the wire that PAUL NEWMAN was deceased on account of the old cancer. A piece of Premium Dry Dog Food rolled off my lower lip as I dropped the remote and cried, "Oh, hell no!"

So to thank Mr. Newman for his career of fine cinema and lifetime of philanthropic achievements and fast driving; and as a symbolic F you to cancer, Videotheque has compiled a recommended section of Paul Newman movies by moving the Paul Newman section a whole 15 feet and across two aisles. F you cancer!

I personally am of the belief that he's faking it, possibly to get out of some student loan debt.

The staff of Videotheque also has their own recommendations, including those staff members with sensitive hands. They include:

France Gall's pix La vie, ce n'est plus le kif: As you well know, I had 3 years of French 1, so I know what this means. It says, "Life or something like it," like that Angelina Jolie movie we all know and love. In this section, you'll find such enduring classics as "Double Suicide" and "Suicide Club" and "Girl on the Bridge." I'm at a loss for what the theme is. Sometimes I wish people would just say what's on their mind.

Mark 2's pix Set it for Cruise Control: Mark 2 went and saw "Tropic Thunder" and was so impressed with Tom Cruise's portrayal of a scumbag where he played a real, real scumbag, super scumbag. Like if the guy he had been playing were pulpified, he'd be a pulpified scumbag. Anywhoo, in Mark 2's section you'll find as much Tom Cruise as we can muster, under the sun, including such films as "Jerry Maguire" and "Cocktail" and "Lions for Lambs," so, if you like a good Tom Cruise movie from time to time, this section is sure to delight. If you hate Tom Cruise, it might be good to remember that that's just an opinion and that what doesn't appeal to you may still appeal to other people.

Mario's pix Your Friends are Your Worst Enemies: This section may've been up there the last time I mentioned the recommended sections, but it deserves to be pointed out again as this section has been renting like hotcakes, kind of like your mama's pajamas. But I digress. Anyway, his section was inspired by all my friends. In here, you'll find such titles as "Marathon Man" and "Heathers" and "Purple Noon."

Rick's pix Long Distance Relationships: Rick is the reason everything bad happens. He's a failure and clearly not Videotheque material. So, the thing is this, you see, Rick's section is all films with snipers in them. Get it?!?! I do! In his section you'll find your sniperiffic favorites such as "Shooter" and "Day of the Jackal" and "Smokin' Aces". So maybe peruse the section, and if you see any films you don't like there, tell Rick you hate the film and that because you don't like it, no one else should because your opinion is fact.

Stay tuned for later in the month when there should be an unheavenly host of horrors in the recommended section as we prepare for the uh ... Halloween.

Peace and Love, y'all!

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why four signs might be three too many.

You may have a limited vocabulary, Ted.

I have trouble sleeping at night because my upstairs neighbor is so loud and then I think my upstairs neighbor is mad at me 'cause I'm up late and in order to communicate to me the fact that he or she doesn't want me to exist, he makes loads of thumping sounds.

So, the most quiet way I thought of that I could pass the time is by dialing random numbers on the ... uh ... telephone, with a blanket over my head.

One night Bill Murray answered. We talked for a good couple of minutes and had what I thought was a decent conversation, but I guess the feeling wasn't mutual 'cause the call ended with him saying, "I played Hunter S. Thompson before any of you kids even knew what loathing was!" and he hung up on me.

Then I dialed another number at random and Sean Penn answered, we talked for a great while. All seemed to be going well, at least from my perspective, but then he said, "I was doing the cigarette underwater in the swimming pool thing before David Duchovny even knew how to float!"

I said, "Sir, I think you might be exaggerating just a little bit," and then he hung up on me.

Then I dialed another number at random and a lady of the night answered; you could tell by the way she answered. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Oh, hi. Hold on," and then in the background I heard her say, "It's your son."

My dad came on the phone and said, "Oh, hello, how did you get this number?"

I said, "Dialin' random."

He asked me how I was doing. I told him that aside from the constant deluge of psychological abuse I was fine. He asked me what I was doing up so late. I told him that my upstairs neighbor does a re-enactment of the movie "White Nights" every night. My dad suggested that I introduce myself to my upstairs neighbor and ask that we start selling tickets to audiences that wish to witness the magic that is "White Nights" Live!

I said, "Good idea, pops, I'll go do that now."

Then my dad said, "I was watching 'White Nights' back before you even knew who Gregory Hines was!" and he hung up on me.

So, I went all the way upstairs and knocked on the door. It took a while for them to answer. The door swung open and it was Thumper, you know, from "Bambi." He shouted, "Hi-yo!"

I said, "Oh, sorry, I thought Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov lived here."

To which he responded, "I'm thumpin'! That's why they call me Thumper!"

I said, "I can see that."

Then he said, "Hey, look what I can do!" And then he started thumping and spinning around in a circle.

It was really awkward. I wound up just walking away.

NEW RELEASES 09/23:

AKI KAURISMAKI'S PROLETARIAT TRILOGY: So, anyway, the only place I ever heard of Proletariats was in 1984. I had to ask my coworker what Aki Kaurismaki's Proletariat Trilogy was, 'cause I never have watched a single subtitled movie in my whole life, and he told me that they're movies about the working class, so you and Thumper and I will no doubt relate with characters in these films, "Shadows in Paradise," "Ariel," and "The Match Factory Girl." You should probably check them out to see what I mean.

DECEPTION: If you're out of touch with the working class, you'll enjoy this film by novice director Marcel Langenegger. Wolverine turns up the heat in squaresville when he tricks Renton from "Trainspotting," into joining a sex club (that happens) and a lot of not fully realized thrills occur and then you wind up thinking to yourself, "That 'Eyes Wide Shut' was not so bad after all." When I watch a movie, they usually fit into three categories, they're either, "Okay," or "Bad," or "Makes me never want to watch any movie ever again," this film fit into the latter category. You should probably check it out to see what I mean.

LEATHERHEADS: Normally I wouldn't watch a movie like this 'cause I'm vegan, but I'm not going to eat their helmets, so I figure it's okay. So, anyway the thing is this, I've pretty much been giving George Clooney a free pass since "Facts of Life" and I've been pretty much giving Grant Heslov a free pass since "License to Drive," but come on, dudes, have a plot. You should probably watch it to see what I mean.

No really.

RUN, FATBOY, RUN: Sometimes I'll rent a movie thinking to myself, "Hey, it's directed by a cast member of 'Friends' so it must be good!" but then I watch it and I'm like, "Hey, it's got the guy from 'Hot Fuzz' and the voice of Apu in it ... it must be really good," and then I watch more of it and then I never want to watch another movie ever again. But because I dislike people who act like certain movies shouldn't exist just because they personally didn't like them, I think you should watch this and see what I mean.

SEX AND THE CITY - THE MOVIE: This is unrelated, but I'm noticing the whole "Flashdance" style for women, of having one side of their top slipping off the shoulder is back in style. I'm kind of confused as to why it's back in style. A couple years ago I think women would've scoffed at the thought of it, but yet now wherever I go where there are the ladies, they're wearing the "Flashdance," look. What gives? Keep doing it, but what gives? But I digress. What's with this "Sex and the City?" Was six seasons not enough?! And what is this quote/unquote sex I hear everybody talking about?

ALSO AVAILABLE:

101 Dalmatians 2: Patch's London Adventure
The Age of Man
The Anderson Tapes
Apt Pupil
The Baker
Before I Forget
Ben X
Cashback
Cat Ballou
Choreography By Balanchine
Constantine's Sword
Crime Novel (Romanzo criminale)
The Cult of the Suicide Bomber 2
Day Watch (Blu-ray)
Flight of the Red Balloon
The Forgotten Woman
Gold Diggers of 1937
Gold Diggers in Paris
Gypsy Caravan: When the Road Bends
The Man From Snowy River
Mister Lonely
Music of the Heart
My Name is Juani
The New Centurians
The Omen (Blu-ray)
Paranoid Park
Pete Seeger: The Power of Song
Pootie Tang
Prison Break - Season 3 (Blu-ray)
Proteus
Risky Business (Blu-ray)
Rossini - La Cenerentola
Sharpe's Rifles
Silent Light (Luz Silenciosa)
Single White Female
The World According to Monsanto

SALE IN OCTOBER:

So, um, yeah, the thing is this, on Wednesdays in October, Videotheque is having a Rent 1, Get 1 Free Sale. For example, if you were to come in on a Wednesday and you rented a movie, you could get a second movie for free. But only one of those two can be a New Release and it's only one free per purchase, so like if you're getting 5 movies, only 1 of those counts as 1 movie, it's not like rent 3 get 2 free, it's just rent 1 get 1 free. So if you rent 5 it's like rent 4 get 1 free.

The idiot who made the flyer for this sale made a typo where "in the" runs together as one word. I was thinking, though, after looking at it, that maybe "in the" should be one word. It would save a lot of people a lot of time. You should really look at the flyer to see what I mean.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's how I know something big is going down.

I was in first place, now I am in third with two laps to go!

And that's when she looked at me and said, she said, "Why did you just throw your video camera in the ocean?"

I looked her right in the eye and I told her it like it was, I said, "Owning a video camera is like owning a pickup. Everybody wants to borrow it when they move."

She looked at me, somewhat confused and asked, "How's that like owning a video camera?"

"Well," I started, "everybody wants to borrow it whenever they have some milestone commemorating ceremony, like say, a wedding for example."

She looked at me, somewhat saddened and a tear rolled down her cheek as she said, "But, Honey, it's our wedding."

I stepped back, out of her embrace and I said, "Look, baby, this isn't quite the way I envisioned my future."

"How ... how did you envision it?" She was in shock.

I answered, "Oh, hangin' with my buddies, strolling through construction sites, drinking orange juice out of the carton, harassing retail clerks..."

She interrupted, "But ... but, I'm a ... a ... retail clerk."

And that's when I said it, I said, "Well, that's your tough luck, then, isn't it?" And I walked away, and added, "See you, on the battleground, sweetheart."

NEW RELEASES 09/16:

88 MINUTES: Al Pacino makes "Cellular" look like "Newsies" in this new movie where he plays Al Pacino getting a call on his cell phone from the voice from "Scream" saying, "You're going to die in 88 minutes. Tick. Tock." There used to be a Color Me Badd song, "I Wanna Sex You Up." My recently estranged wife-to-be used to listen to Color Me Badd in the early 90's. I used to hate them, but my point is, I think, "I Wanna Sex You Up," started out with somebody saying, "tick, tock," or something like that. I don't want to listen to it again to find out. But my real point is, it's not very scary, people saying, "tick, tock," so I don't know about this movie. But I will watch it anyway in a double feature with "Cellular" and then afterwards wonder why I feel bad about myself.

BEFORE THE RAINS: If you're at all like Ismail Merchant, you'd probably love to have your last name tossed around posthumously so that the living can continue to capitalize on your good name. Such is the case with this wet t-shirt contest set in India.

THE EARRINGS OF MADAME DE... : When I was in film school (which by the way is a very lucrative academic choice), they made us watch some film that the teacher just called, "Madame De..." I don't know if this is the same movie or if there is some sort of "Madame De..." series. I'm too lazy to read the cover to find out, and I'm too scared of other human beings to ask them, so I just don't know. I do not know.

FINDING AMANDA: Speaking of not knowing. George C. Scott stars as a father looking for his missing daughter who went on a trip to Knott's Berry Farm and never came home, only to find that she has been submerged into the underground world of hardcore porn. Oh ... sorry, wrong movie. Matthew Broderick plays a dude who goes to Vegas to try and coax his niece played by Brittany Snow to go into rehab. This movie's cover looks bad. Almost like the people making the cover wanted it to look bad. I actually saw one of my nieces over the weekend, at my botched wedding to be exact. I think she's like 4, though, so she doesn't really need rehabilitation. She just wants her doll. And a pack of cigarettes.

KABLUEY: Because of my botched wedding, I missed a lot of the new releases. Actually, all of the new releases. This "Kabluey" I was really looking forward to. Many years ago somebody likened me to the dopey, big-headed robot in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." I no longer speak to that person. I don't know what it is, but when things remind me of people, I don't go around telling that person, 'cause it usually never fits with that person's self-image and therefore can only result in disappointment. For instance, like if you're friends with someone who reminds you of Joseph Stalin, you don't go around saying it to their face. That is unless your intention is to offend said person. For example, later today I'll be hanging out with Joseph Stalin's grandson and I plan to tell him that he reminds me of Stalin, but that's because I'm mad at him 'cause he stole my niece's doll. But I digress, so I was offended, but then I saw the trailer for this "Kabluey" and saw a dopey, big-headed blue guy and I thought, "Man, I really identify with the seclusion and isolation that this dopey, big-headed blue guy is experiencing," and so therefore I was anticipating this film's release. But I blew it by going to my lame wedding. So, if this experience taught me one thing, it's that if someone proposes to you, no matter what, you should say, "No," and watch movies instead.

THE LOVE GURU: Sometimes after me and my buddies are done roaming through construction sites, drinking orange juice out of the carton, we liked to wander past movie theaters and look at the posters so we can figure out what we're going to rent at Videotheque three months from then. Three months ago there was a poster there for "The Love Guru" and I noticed that it was coming out the same exact day as "Get Smart" and I was like, "Man, dude, this movie distribution company is cruising for a bruisin'." I'm no connoisseur of fine comedies but I know if I have to choose between these two I'd take along walk off a short pier and make like a tree and leave. But it seems as though the folks behind this fine cinema have brightened up since then 'cause now it's coming out on DVD! Get excited for the DVD! And that "Get Smart" is nowhere to be found. So kill time before "Get Smart" comes out on DVD by watching a bunch of leftover Austin Powers jokes.

MADE OF HONOR: It's a play on words you see. It's "Made" not "Maid," get it?!?! If you saw "My Best Friend's Wedding," that's basically what you're looking at here. This stuff never happens in real life. In real life when your friends are getting married and then you decide during the ceremony that you love them, it doesn't work. They then hate you for the rest of your life. Believe me, I tried.

LE PLAISIR: Max Ophuls, the director of that "Madame de..." movie that I'm not sure if I saw, turns up the heat in this adaptation of three short stories. I was reading the plot summary on this one and it says that the first story is about an old man who wears a mask of youth at a dance hall to extend his youthful memories. What a great idea! I'm gonna do that! I doubt anyone will think it's weird that I'm wearing a mask.

THE RAPE OF EUROPA: If you're at all like me, probably when you see a movie with the word "rape" in the title, you're probably like, "Hey, honey, get the kids, we're goin' to a matinee!" Apparently some art got stole by the Third Reich during WWII, and this is about such goings-on. Damn Nazis. They should make a movie where some Nazis are stealing a priceless artifact and then an archeology professor who happens to carry a whip around for no reason chases them down and closes his eyes while they turn to clay-mation and then melt.

SNOW ANGELS: Every now and then a movie comes along where you don't know what it is and then you look up what it's about so you can write your lame blog entry about it (yeah, that's right, I said it), and then you realize you would've liked to've seen it, and then you're just left wondering why you're such an inattentive idiot. David Gordon Green directs Sam Rockwell and Kate Beckinsale in this film adaptation of Stewart O'Nan's novel. If you are illiterate, now you can watch the movie!

SPEED RACER: You know, I spend a lot of time at Videotheque and whenever some kid in the Retro Kids section has pressed the microchip button on the cover of the animated "Speed Racer" series box that plays the theme song for the upteenth billionth time, I says to myself, I says, "Know what I could really go for?! SOME MORE OF THAT!!!" Finally, the Wachowski Brothers return from their early retirement and Emile Hirsch returns from the wild to make it happen!

TORCHWOOD - SEASON 2: If you're at all like me, you're probably too preoccupied with the fact that you somehow unknowingly befriended Joseph Stalin's grandson and he's systematically destroying your life, to know what this show is. If you're not me, you probably don't have that problem and therefore know what this is and enjoy it 'cause it fills a void left long ago by E.T.

YOUNG@HEART: If you're at all like me, when you watched "Cocoon" back in the 80's, you probably thought to yourself, "This movie's okay, but I wish these people would forget about the damn alien in the pool and just do some singin'!" Sorry I've said "damn" so much today, I'm just very emotional right now on account of my impending encounter with Joseph Stalin's grandson. But I digress. If that's the case, this movie is for you! Real life old folks get their sing on in this doc! It's okay for me to call them "old folks" 'cause I am an old folk myself.

ALSO AVAILABLE:

The Best of New Wave Theatre
Boomerang
Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey
Dusty Springfield Live at the BBC
Frontline - The Meth Epidemic
Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Julia Child! America's Favorite Chef
Nancy Sinatra Video Anthology
Paul and Pauline Calf's Cheese and Ham Sandwich
Rodan: War of the Gargantuas
Speed Racer (Blu-ray)
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Tom Waits: Big Time
Towards Darkness
Transformers (Blu-ray)
Vladmir and Rosa
Wind From the East

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why on the November ballot I'll be introducing legislation to make it illegal to carry DVD cases in your pits.

Guess what guys, it’s time to embrace the horror!

When I'm at work, I'm usually getting psychologically abused by coworkers. When I'm not at work, I'm usually getting psychologically abused by my friends. Because of that, there's only one time each week, for a half an hour, including commercials, where I get to get away from it all, and no I'm not talking about Cheers. I'm talking about "At the Movies" with Ebert & Roeper. I watched it all the time since I was just a young kid, only being psychologically abused by my family and kids at school. Just hearing the theme song alone makes me nostalgic.

So, this week, I unsuspectingly tuned in and that old theme song that used to get me misty had been replaced by something with a little less personality and Roeper and the guy standing in for Ebert had been replaced by some soulless automatons. I watched them review a couple movies and that's how I knew they had no souls because they were just going through the motions of what they've heard other reviewers say about other movies.

Then the worst part was when they reviewed "Babylon AD" they had a panel of three more soulless automatons piped in via satellite and they actually argued their opinions as fact. They were really fighting over who's opinion of a Vin Diesel movie was more valid. R.I.P. "At the Movies." Way to blow it, Buena Vista.

NEW RELEASES 09/09:

BABY MAMA: Do you remember the time when "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon" came out. Like Paramount heard that "Armageddon" was being made so they rushed to make a film on the same topic and get it out before "Armageddon." Such is the case with "Juno" and "Baby Mama." Diablo Cody heard that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were making a movie about a surrogate mother and so she rushed to make "Juno" to come out first. Which is better? I don't know, but "Baby Mama" is fun to quote moments before someone psychologically abuses you.

THE FALL: There used to be a time where when I wanted to watch "The Princess Bride" and look at Ben Osborne photographs and "The Princess Bride" was checked out, I was at a loss and just did not know what to do, but now when that happens, I can just watch this instead. Usually I'd say some more trite things, but Tarsem's my home boy and he seems to have some sort of cult following, so I fear that any dissent on my part, i.e.: having an opinion would result in an angry mob similar to the gang of critics on the newly revamped "At the Movies," so therefore I'm just gonna shut it. Unlike this guy...

HECKLER: A lot of people hate Jamie Kennedy for no good reason. I don't! I saw the "Scream" movies. He told the killer in those "Scream" movies to F off and therefore he is cool in my book. With this documentary, my opinion of him has really improved. When I watched this documentary I nearly shed a tear because it examines the prevalence of hate for hate's sake. It really makes you hate people who hate people. Kind of like the way I hate all the new critics on "At the Movies."

UGLY BETTY - SEASON 2: I haven't seen this show, but I hate it. I'm just kidding. I'm sort of imitating some people interviewed in "Heckler." I haven't seen this show, but I think it's good. I think a series that shows that it's okay to be ugly is good 'cause maybe if enough people start to realize that, I will get psychologically abused less.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

You might be thinking that the list of New Releases is kind of short. Is it on purpose? I don't know. Maybe I was in a hurry. Maybe I'm sad. Maybe I am going to go cry now.

The Bill Douglas Trilogy
Camp Rock
The Fall (Blu-ray)
Flying Leathernecks
The Forbidden Kingdom
Gesualdo - Death for Five Voices
The Good Fight: The Abraham Lincoln Brigade in the Spanish Civil War
Living With Ed - Season 2
Lord Jim
On the Ecstasy of Ski-Flying: Werner Herzog in Conversation with Karen Beckman
Outsourced
The Promotion
Street Kings
Sukiyaki Western Django
Sunshine Superman - The Journey of Donovan
Toys Are Us: A Revolution In Plastic
The Best of... What's Left of... Not Only... But Also...
Winston Churchill
Yes Minister

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why it's not polite to stare.

Dead Amanda.

A lotta, lotta people say to me, they say, "Hey, Alsacia, what did you do for Labor Day?" Well, the sad fact is I actually did go into labor, but not in the way that pregnant women do. More like that guy in "Trainspotting" when he sequesters himself in his room with a bucket and some canned goods and starts seeing babies crawling across his ceiling. And funnily enough, it's still happening as we speak, so this edition of the blog will no doubt be a joy to read.

Also there was a UCLA game at the Rose Bowl this weekend, which is always fun, 'cause then Old Town Pasadena is like the end of that movie "1941." I particularly enjoy it 'cause it's nice to have a reminder that some things are more important than life itself, like sports for example.

NEW RELEASES 09/02:

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY: So, I guess the big wigs in Hollywood who have special meetings trying to devise new ways to make the consumer feel taken advantage of, recently came to the conclusion that a good way to do that is to reissue DVDs faster than people can watch them, so this month there are 5,000 movies from the 80's getting reissued. One bright, shining aspect of this particular reissue is that it's widescreen whereas the previous one wasn't, so now you can enjoy Coma Baby in his widescreen splendor alongside Michael J. Fox's tiny frame.

DEREK: Some people think they're real great 'cause they know things. You can add Tilda Swinton to that list. She thinks she's so great 'cause she knows things about Derek Jarman, UK filmmaker and artist. I think because of the prevalence of naked men with bows and arrows on the back of the cover, that if you have requested the Kevin Costner film "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," sometime in the past 5 and a half years, you should watch this instead and it'll probably be just as good, if not better.

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - SEASON 4: Every now and then I catch a couple of seconds of this show 'cause I'm not very quick in turning off my tube after watching AFV and Extreme Make-Over Home Edition. What I've picked up from those brief glimpses is that these women are very disappointed. That's why if they are real I think they should call me 'cause we could exchange notes on our disappointments. I get the feeling they're actually just desperate 'cause it sounds similar to Stepford.

THE FORSAKEN LAND: You asked for it, now you're gonna get it! There's a critic quote on the back of this film from Sri Lanka that says, "Moody," so now I'm thinking I should watch it 'cause I would relate with that. On the cover there is someone using someone else as a pillow, almost as if the director listens to Cornershop. I think that's good. I hate being used, but I think if you're gonna get used, getting used as a pillow would be okay, as far as getting used goes. Normally when I get used, I feel very disappointed.

LAGERFELD CONFIDENTIAL: I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Man, I could go for a pint of lager!" But it's not like that at all. So you'll be very disappointed by this. The Lord of the Rings has nothing on this Karl Lagerfeld. It's a miracle he can bend his fingers with all those rings.

MARRIED LIFE: Sometimes it doesn't take much to make me very disappointed, like for example, watching the trailer for this movie makes me very disappointed. Chris Cooper and Pierce Brosnan have some sort of shenanigans with Rachel McAdams, who I believe is 12.

MOONTIDE: So, as it turns out, I guess they used to make movies as far back as the 1940's. Who knew?! The oldest movie I ever saw was "Back to the Future, part II!" Jean Gabin stars as a man who could've been a contender in this movie about drunken binges on the waterfront.

THE OFFICE - SEASON 4: I haven't really watched this show, but it seems some kids are wild about it. I did see "Office Space," though and I did relate a lot with the guy who's stapler gets stolen a lot, so if there's a character like that in this show, I should get into it, buddy!

ROAD HOUSE: I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Oh, man, he was right about them reissuing movies more often than we can watch them, but Patrick Swayze is worth it!" Well, you're going to be very disappointed. In this 1948 noir from 1948, Ida Lupino and Richard Widmark, who were both alive in 1948 get it on!

THEN SHE FOUND ME: If you're at all like me, something that was probably on your mind a lot when you used to watch "Mad About You" on a weekly basis is, "This Helen Hunt sure can act, but can she direct?" Well, be prepared to find out the answer to that question when you see this comedy, drama, romance.

WAR REQUIEM: If you enjoyed "Requiem for a Dream" and you love war, you'll probably enjoy this 1989 film by Derek Jarman where Tilda Swinton's pointy mug appears and she probably plays someone who knows a lot of stuff.

WATER LILIES: Are you like me? Do you have a penchant for pastels? I do! That's why I rented this, but as it turned out it was actually about the highly competative sport of synchronized swimming, so I was very disappointed.

OLD RELEASE:
60's Girls
924 Gilman Street
a/k/a Tommy Chong
A Big Hand for the Little Lady
The Breast Cancer Diaries
Call it Democracy
Dali in New York
The Desperate Hours
Dora the Explorer - Meet Diego
For Roseanna
The Future We Will Create: Inside the World of TED
A Gorgeous Girl Like Me
Heroes - Season 2
I'll Cry Tomorrow
The Innocent
Ladyhawke
Leonard Cohen: Under Review 1935-1977
The Life Before Her Eyes
Nicholas and Alexandra
Office Killer
The Original Kings of Comedy
The Power Of Community: How Cuba Survived Peak Oil
Purple Violets
Redbelt (Blu-ray)
Rich and Famous
Senso
Strange Culture
The Sum of All Fears
Tall Blond Man With One Black Shoe
Thursday
Up the Down Staircase
Virgin Territory
Waiting to Inhale
Wetback
What Happens in Vegas
Young & Restless in China

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why every building should be equipped with a private room where people can go cry.