And that's when she looked at me and said, she said, "Why did you just throw your video camera in the ocean?"
I looked her right in the eye and I told her it like it was, I said, "Owning a video camera is like owning a pickup. Everybody wants to borrow it when they move."
She looked at me, somewhat confused and asked, "How's that like owning a video camera?"
"Well," I started, "everybody wants to borrow it whenever they have some milestone commemorating ceremony, like say, a wedding for example."
She looked at me, somewhat saddened and a tear rolled down her cheek as she said, "But, Honey, it's our wedding."
I stepped back, out of her embrace and I said, "Look, baby, this isn't quite the way I envisioned my future."
"How ... how did you envision it?" She was in shock.
I answered, "Oh, hangin' with my buddies, strolling through construction sites, drinking orange juice out of the carton, harassing retail clerks..."
She interrupted, "But ... but, I'm a ... a ... retail clerk."
And that's when I said it, I said, "Well, that's your tough luck, then, isn't it?" And I walked away, and added, "See you, on the battleground, sweetheart."
NEW RELEASES 09/16:
88 MINUTES: Al Pacino makes "Cellular" look like "Newsies" in this new movie where he plays Al Pacino getting a call on his cell phone from the voice from "Scream" saying, "You're going to die in 88 minutes. Tick. Tock." There used to be a Color Me Badd song, "I Wanna Sex You Up." My recently estranged wife-to-be used to listen to Color Me Badd in the early 90's. I used to hate them, but my point is, I think, "I Wanna Sex You Up," started out with somebody saying, "tick, tock," or something like that. I don't want to listen to it again to find out. But my real point is, it's not very scary, people saying, "tick, tock," so I don't know about this movie. But I will watch it anyway in a double feature with "Cellular" and then afterwards wonder why I feel bad about myself.
BEFORE THE RAINS: If you're at all like Ismail Merchant, you'd probably love to have your last name tossed around posthumously so that the living can continue to capitalize on your good name. Such is the case with this wet t-shirt contest set in India.
THE EARRINGS OF MADAME DE... : When I was in film school (which by the way is a very lucrative academic choice), they made us watch some film that the teacher just called, "Madame De..." I don't know if this is the same movie or if there is some sort of "Madame De..." series. I'm too lazy to read the cover to find out, and I'm too scared of other human beings to ask them, so I just don't know. I do not know.
FINDING AMANDA: Speaking of not knowing. George C. Scott stars as a father looking for his missing daughter who went on a trip to Knott's Berry Farm and never came home, only to find that she has been submerged into the underground world of hardcore porn. Oh ... sorry, wrong movie. Matthew Broderick plays a dude who goes to Vegas to try and coax his niece played by Brittany Snow to go into rehab. This movie's cover looks bad. Almost like the people making the cover wanted it to look bad. I actually saw one of my nieces over the weekend, at my botched wedding to be exact. I think she's like 4, though, so she doesn't really need rehabilitation. She just wants her doll. And a pack of cigarettes.
KABLUEY: Because of my botched wedding, I missed a lot of the new releases. Actually, all of the new releases. This "Kabluey" I was really looking forward to. Many years ago somebody likened me to the dopey, big-headed robot in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." I no longer speak to that person. I don't know what it is, but when things remind me of people, I don't go around telling that person, 'cause it usually never fits with that person's self-image and therefore can only result in disappointment. For instance, like if you're friends with someone who reminds you of Joseph Stalin, you don't go around saying it to their face. That is unless your intention is to offend said person. For example, later today I'll be hanging out with Joseph Stalin's grandson and I plan to tell him that he reminds me of Stalin, but that's because I'm mad at him 'cause he stole my niece's doll. But I digress, so I was offended, but then I saw the trailer for this "Kabluey" and saw a dopey, big-headed blue guy and I thought, "Man, I really identify with the seclusion and isolation that this dopey, big-headed blue guy is experiencing," and so therefore I was anticipating this film's release. But I blew it by going to my lame wedding. So, if this experience taught me one thing, it's that if someone proposes to you, no matter what, you should say, "No," and watch movies instead.
THE LOVE GURU: Sometimes after me and my buddies are done roaming through construction sites, drinking orange juice out of the carton, we liked to wander past movie theaters and look at the posters so we can figure out what we're going to rent at Videotheque three months from then. Three months ago there was a poster there for "The Love Guru" and I noticed that it was coming out the same exact day as "Get Smart" and I was like, "Man, dude, this movie distribution company is cruising for a bruisin'." I'm no connoisseur of fine comedies but I know if I have to choose between these two I'd take along walk off a short pier and make like a tree and leave. But it seems as though the folks behind this fine cinema have brightened up since then 'cause now it's coming out on DVD! Get excited for the DVD! And that "Get Smart" is nowhere to be found. So kill time before "Get Smart" comes out on DVD by watching a bunch of leftover Austin Powers jokes.
MADE OF HONOR: It's a play on words you see. It's "Made" not "Maid," get it?!?! If you saw "My Best Friend's Wedding," that's basically what you're looking at here. This stuff never happens in real life. In real life when your friends are getting married and then you decide during the ceremony that you love them, it doesn't work. They then hate you for the rest of your life. Believe me, I tried.
LE PLAISIR: Max Ophuls, the director of that "Madame de..." movie that I'm not sure if I saw, turns up the heat in this adaptation of three short stories. I was reading the plot summary on this one and it says that the first story is about an old man who wears a mask of youth at a dance hall to extend his youthful memories. What a great idea! I'm gonna do that! I doubt anyone will think it's weird that I'm wearing a mask.
THE RAPE OF EUROPA: If you're at all like me, probably when you see a movie with the word "rape" in the title, you're probably like, "Hey, honey, get the kids, we're goin' to a matinee!" Apparently some art got stole by the Third Reich during WWII, and this is about such goings-on. Damn Nazis. They should make a movie where some Nazis are stealing a priceless artifact and then an archeology professor who happens to carry a whip around for no reason chases them down and closes his eyes while they turn to clay-mation and then melt.
SNOW ANGELS: Every now and then a movie comes along where you don't know what it is and then you look up what it's about so you can write your lame blog entry about it (yeah, that's right, I said it), and then you realize you would've liked to've seen it, and then you're just left wondering why you're such an inattentive idiot. David Gordon Green directs Sam Rockwell and Kate Beckinsale in this film adaptation of Stewart O'Nan's novel. If you are illiterate, now you can watch the movie!
SPEED RACER: You know, I spend a lot of time at Videotheque and whenever some kid in the Retro Kids section has pressed the microchip button on the cover of the animated "Speed Racer" series box that plays the theme song for the upteenth billionth time, I says to myself, I says, "Know what I could really go for?! SOME MORE OF THAT!!!" Finally, the Wachowski Brothers return from their early retirement and Emile Hirsch returns from the wild to make it happen!
TORCHWOOD - SEASON 2: If you're at all like me, you're probably too preoccupied with the fact that you somehow unknowingly befriended Joseph Stalin's grandson and he's systematically destroying your life, to know what this show is. If you're not me, you probably don't have that problem and therefore know what this is and enjoy it 'cause it fills a void left long ago by E.T.
YOUNG@HEART: If you're at all like me, when you watched "Cocoon" back in the 80's, you probably thought to yourself, "This movie's okay, but I wish these people would forget about the damn alien in the pool and just do some singin'!" Sorry I've said "damn" so much today, I'm just very emotional right now on account of my impending encounter with Joseph Stalin's grandson. But I digress. If that's the case, this movie is for you! Real life old folks get their sing on in this doc! It's okay for me to call them "old folks" 'cause I am an old folk myself.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
The Best of New Wave Theatre
Boomerang
Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey
Dusty Springfield Live at the BBC
Frontline - The Meth Epidemic
Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Julia Child! America's Favorite Chef
Nancy Sinatra Video Anthology
Paul and Pauline Calf's Cheese and Ham Sandwich
Rodan: War of the Gargantuas
Speed Racer (Blu-ray)
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Tom Waits: Big Time
Towards Darkness
Transformers (Blu-ray)
Vladmir and Rosa
Wind From the East
www.vidtheque.com
...and that's why on the November ballot I'll be introducing legislation to make it illegal to carry DVD cases in your pits.
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