You may have a limited vocabulary, Ted.

I have trouble sleeping at night because my upstairs neighbor is so loud and then I think my upstairs neighbor is mad at me 'cause I'm up late and in order to communicate to me the fact that he or she doesn't want me to exist, he makes loads of thumping sounds.

So, the most quiet way I thought of that I could pass the time is by dialing random numbers on the ... uh ... telephone, with a blanket over my head.

One night Bill Murray answered. We talked for a good couple of minutes and had what I thought was a decent conversation, but I guess the feeling wasn't mutual 'cause the call ended with him saying, "I played Hunter S. Thompson before any of you kids even knew what loathing was!" and he hung up on me.

Then I dialed another number at random and Sean Penn answered, we talked for a great while. All seemed to be going well, at least from my perspective, but then he said, "I was doing the cigarette underwater in the swimming pool thing before David Duchovny even knew how to float!"

I said, "Sir, I think you might be exaggerating just a little bit," and then he hung up on me.

Then I dialed another number at random and a lady of the night answered; you could tell by the way she answered. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Oh, hi. Hold on," and then in the background I heard her say, "It's your son."

My dad came on the phone and said, "Oh, hello, how did you get this number?"

I said, "Dialin' random."

He asked me how I was doing. I told him that aside from the constant deluge of psychological abuse I was fine. He asked me what I was doing up so late. I told him that my upstairs neighbor does a re-enactment of the movie "White Nights" every night. My dad suggested that I introduce myself to my upstairs neighbor and ask that we start selling tickets to audiences that wish to witness the magic that is "White Nights" Live!

I said, "Good idea, pops, I'll go do that now."

Then my dad said, "I was watching 'White Nights' back before you even knew who Gregory Hines was!" and he hung up on me.

So, I went all the way upstairs and knocked on the door. It took a while for them to answer. The door swung open and it was Thumper, you know, from "Bambi." He shouted, "Hi-yo!"

I said, "Oh, sorry, I thought Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov lived here."

To which he responded, "I'm thumpin'! That's why they call me Thumper!"

I said, "I can see that."

Then he said, "Hey, look what I can do!" And then he started thumping and spinning around in a circle.

It was really awkward. I wound up just walking away.

NEW RELEASES 09/23:

AKI KAURISMAKI'S PROLETARIAT TRILOGY: So, anyway, the only place I ever heard of Proletariats was in 1984. I had to ask my coworker what Aki Kaurismaki's Proletariat Trilogy was, 'cause I never have watched a single subtitled movie in my whole life, and he told me that they're movies about the working class, so you and Thumper and I will no doubt relate with characters in these films, "Shadows in Paradise," "Ariel," and "The Match Factory Girl." You should probably check them out to see what I mean.

DECEPTION: If you're out of touch with the working class, you'll enjoy this film by novice director Marcel Langenegger. Wolverine turns up the heat in squaresville when he tricks Renton from "Trainspotting," into joining a sex club (that happens) and a lot of not fully realized thrills occur and then you wind up thinking to yourself, "That 'Eyes Wide Shut' was not so bad after all." When I watch a movie, they usually fit into three categories, they're either, "Okay," or "Bad," or "Makes me never want to watch any movie ever again," this film fit into the latter category. You should probably check it out to see what I mean.

LEATHERHEADS: Normally I wouldn't watch a movie like this 'cause I'm vegan, but I'm not going to eat their helmets, so I figure it's okay. So, anyway the thing is this, I've pretty much been giving George Clooney a free pass since "Facts of Life" and I've been pretty much giving Grant Heslov a free pass since "License to Drive," but come on, dudes, have a plot. You should probably watch it to see what I mean.

No really.

RUN, FATBOY, RUN: Sometimes I'll rent a movie thinking to myself, "Hey, it's directed by a cast member of 'Friends' so it must be good!" but then I watch it and I'm like, "Hey, it's got the guy from 'Hot Fuzz' and the voice of Apu in it ... it must be really good," and then I watch more of it and then I never want to watch another movie ever again. But because I dislike people who act like certain movies shouldn't exist just because they personally didn't like them, I think you should watch this and see what I mean.

SEX AND THE CITY - THE MOVIE: This is unrelated, but I'm noticing the whole "Flashdance" style for women, of having one side of their top slipping off the shoulder is back in style. I'm kind of confused as to why it's back in style. A couple years ago I think women would've scoffed at the thought of it, but yet now wherever I go where there are the ladies, they're wearing the "Flashdance," look. What gives? Keep doing it, but what gives? But I digress. What's with this "Sex and the City?" Was six seasons not enough?! And what is this quote/unquote sex I hear everybody talking about?

ALSO AVAILABLE:

101 Dalmatians 2: Patch's London Adventure
The Age of Man
The Anderson Tapes
Apt Pupil
The Baker
Before I Forget
Ben X
Cashback
Cat Ballou
Choreography By Balanchine
Constantine's Sword
Crime Novel (Romanzo criminale)
The Cult of the Suicide Bomber 2
Day Watch (Blu-ray)
Flight of the Red Balloon
The Forgotten Woman
Gold Diggers of 1937
Gold Diggers in Paris
Gypsy Caravan: When the Road Bends
The Man From Snowy River
Mister Lonely
Music of the Heart
My Name is Juani
The New Centurians
The Omen (Blu-ray)
Paranoid Park
Pete Seeger: The Power of Song
Pootie Tang
Prison Break - Season 3 (Blu-ray)
Proteus
Risky Business (Blu-ray)
Rossini - La Cenerentola
Sharpe's Rifles
Silent Light (Luz Silenciosa)
Single White Female
The World According to Monsanto

SALE IN OCTOBER:

So, um, yeah, the thing is this, on Wednesdays in October, Videotheque is having a Rent 1, Get 1 Free Sale. For example, if you were to come in on a Wednesday and you rented a movie, you could get a second movie for free. But only one of those two can be a New Release and it's only one free per purchase, so like if you're getting 5 movies, only 1 of those counts as 1 movie, it's not like rent 3 get 2 free, it's just rent 1 get 1 free. So if you rent 5 it's like rent 4 get 1 free.

The idiot who made the flyer for this sale made a typo where "in the" runs together as one word. I was thinking, though, after looking at it, that maybe "in the" should be one word. It would save a lot of people a lot of time. You should really look at the flyer to see what I mean.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's how I know something big is going down.