So it appears that the thing is this, you see, a lotta, lotta people are asking me, "Say, Gaspar, what did you do for Memorial Day weekend?" Well, my answer to that is simple. On Saturday I hung out with the guy who was living on the sidewalk in front of the building. I asked him if he could recommend any film schools. He told me that he did his undergrad at Art Center and L.A. Film School and that he got his graduate degree at AFI. He spoke highly of all three schools. Even though he seemed content, I felt sorry for the guy 'cause he had a G.D. DVD dropbox in his living room. Then I went to Luka's birthday party and prom. They were at the same time, so I had to shuttle back and forth between them like that girl in "27 Dresses". I don't remember Sunday at all. Then on Monday I went to TJ's where I was chased into their parking lot by an angry mob of about a half a dozen people. I asked the mob of about a half a dozen people why they were chasing me into the parking lot at TJ's. They told me they were South Pas's angriest mob ever, of about a half a dozen people in the TJ's parking lot and that they were mad because I had spoiled the ending of "Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Chrystal Stick." I explained to the mob of a half a dozen people in the TJ's parking lot that I hadn't seen it and that it was just a guess, and then one of the members of the angriest mob ever of about a half a dozen people in the TJ's parking lot said, "Well, you guessed right, and your disruptive presence is tearing this wholesome community apart!" Then the weirdest thing happened. A six-year-old kid came out of the crowd with a DVD of "Cloverfield" and pointed at the headless Statue of Liberty on it and said, "If I find the guy who did this, I will shoot him in the head!" I was about to tell him that a giant monster did it and that several branches of the military had a tough time bringing it down, so simply shooting it in the head probably wouldn't do any good, but before I could express this point, another guy in the angry mob of about a half a dozen people in the TJ's parking lot said, "Hey, the kid's got a good point, let's go lobby for kids to be able to carry weapons!" They all agreed and ran off. Then a guy came up to me with a sheep on a leash, but he was just dragging the sheep 'cause the sheep couldn't walk, and I was like, "Hey, man, what's wrong with your sheep?" He said, "I don't know, he can't walk. I've been feeding him a steady diet of coffee and cigarettes and nothing seems to be helping." And that was about all that happened. It was pretty uneventful. Oh, and I forgot to mention, on Friday I ate my weight in Godfather's Pizza and watched "Jerry Maguire" and somebody spiked my drink with acid.
NEW RELEASES 05/27:
CLEANER: You know that part in "Pulp Fiction" when Samuel L. Jackson and that dude from "Saturday Night Fever" are cleaning up that guy's brain's from inside the car in Jimmie's garage. This movie is kind of like a comedy thriller version of that without the guy from "Saturday Night Fever" and with Eva Mendes instead. I watched it!
DARFUR NOW: If you're at all like me, you must feel like a rank underachiever. I think the best way to heighten that feeling is to watch a documentary where people are creating positive change in the world. And I know you might think this could be a downer, but it's artfully done and somewhat entertaining 'cause every now and then this guy from the Sudan pops up and is like, "No, no, everything's cool, don't worry about it!" And then (spoiler alert) Arnold Schwartzenegger pops out at the end and is like, "Hasta la vista, baby!" I'm not really kidding.
RAMBO: So, we had the "Cloverfield" poster in front of the counter right in the eyeline of most small children and it traumatized a couple of them. At one time Chuck and I stuck a rubber dalmation over it so it would distract the children from the horror that was the poster, but then somebody pulled the dalmation off, which just goes to prove why we can't have nice things. So, anyway, we replaced the "Cloverfield" poster with the "Rambo," poster. Every awful thing I said about Nic Cage when "National Treasure 2" was coming out, you can apply it to this dude tenfold. I often like a good action movie, but for some reason I never got into this franchise. But from what Skidmark tells me, it sounds like good clean fun, but without Eva Mendes.
THE WALKER: This murder mystery by Paul Schrader stars Woody from "Cheers" and a lot of aging actresses. I don't know, man, I just do not know. I like a lot of Paul Schrader's movies, for example, I think "Auto Focus" is a great movie for a first date, but I noticed an obvious absence of Eva Mendes and couldn't get into it.
OTHER MOVIES WITHOUT EVA MENDES RELEASED 05/27:
THE BUDDHA OF SUBURBIA
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