This is the part where you run away.

So, the thing is this, um, yeah, I was shaving in the bushes of the parking lot out in back of B of A this morning when some kids rolled up on their skateboards and they says to me, they says, "Hey, Mike, are you gonna dress up for Halloween?"

My answer to them was simple. I says to them, I says, "I enjoy any holiday 'cause it gives me a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling and an overall optimism about the future because there is that dear, dear, holiday rapidly approaching - especially on Halloween in an election year, because when you are trick-or-treating, it's a great opportunity to knock down or take lawn signs for candidates or propositions which you don't necessarily agree with - but of course, not until after they have given you candy. But I digress, young child-with-a-board-on-wheels. What am I going as for Halloween? That's easy. The same thing I do every year, which is, I cover myself in green makeup and go as Shrek, and I carry around one of those ... uh ... boom boxes with that song 'All Star' by Smash Mouth playing on it."

A lotta, lotta people don't like Smash Mouth, and with good reason - they are a little annoying - but I don't mind them. They once said, "You'll never shine if you don't glow," and I think they had a good point there.

NEW RELEASES 10/28:

ANNIE LEIBOVITZ: LIFE THROUGH A LENS: I haven't watched this 'cause at first I thought it was a sequel to "The Eyes of Laura Mars," and then I further wasn't watching it 'cause I saw it was a documentary about a photographer and I usually don't like photographers 'cause they killed Princess Diana, but then when I was doing my research for the ... uh ... blog, I saw that Annie Leibovitz took many a photograph of celebrities and celebrities make everything okay. She took photos including, but not limited to, the Rolling Stone cover with John Lennon taken the day of his death. I will always be mad at Jared Leto for killing him.

BILLY THE KID: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the ... uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "Billy the Kid." The Casting Director from "Bugcrush" directs this film which does for the documentary what "Lawrence of Arabia" did for movies about guys in flowing white robes. The film follows a week in the life of Billy in his hometown of Brunswick, Maine as he experiences the trials and tribulations of being a sophomore and an outsider, and unrequited love as he falls in love with a WWE fanatic with lazy eyes, and throughout it all, Billy demonstrates more game and is more of a gentleman than either Ryan Gosling or I can ever hope to be.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH: Brendan Fraser stars in this reworking of the Jules Verne classic where for convoluted reasons he winds up in the center of the Earth with the kid from "Bridge to Terabithia," and some woman who seems to be dressed for summer weather in Iceland. I thought I knew a lot about science and whatnot, but as it turns out, there is a whole magical world inside the center of the Earth which I was completely unawares of. Plus with the advent of 3-D, which was invented for this film, you can enjoy the movie with some dorky-looking paper glasses that make the movie look like you're watching it through a View Master. Also, in my opinion, there are just not enough Brendan Fraser movies. I think that each Brendan Fraser performance should be cherished, 'cause on a long enough time line, there'll come a day when he will no longer be able to make movies and you'll miss him. And a note to Hollywood: please make as many Brendan Fraser movies as possible, while you can, for the above mentioned reasons. Thanks.

KIT KITTREDGE - AN AMERICAN GIRL: You're probably thinking, "Ooh, ooh, finally the TV series with Margaret Cho is available on DVD!" Think again, wishful thinking person. This is actually the sequel to "Nim's Island" starring the flash-in-the-pan from "Little Miss Sunshine." Nim's back on the mainland, but still has a hankering for the island life, so she builds a tree house in her backyard where she hangs out with the girls from "Heavenly Creatures" and they plot to pull the ol' bricks-in-a-stocking trick on anybody who approaches the treehouse, proving the old theory: girl is an island.

THE L-WORD - SEASON 5: The L-Word is my favoritest TV show ever. It makes "Sex and the City" look like a slow ride to grandmother's house. Plus my best friend Stewie writes for it, 'cause he's in touch with his feminine side. Really in touch. So, when you are done voting "No" on "Hate" go into Videotheque and pick up the ol' L-Word.

RAIN OF FIRE: When I saw the cover of this movie, I thought it was post-stroke Kirk Douglas, but then doing research for the ... uh ... blog, I realized this is a movie from 1977. I guess I forgot how old he looked in the 1970's. Afterall, I was born in 1994. It's not like I was watching movies in the 1970's. Anywhoo, Christian Bale plays the older version of a young boy who loses his single parent to fire-breathing dragons and then Matthew McConaghey shows up and kicks dragon butt. Then Kirk Douglas comes along and poses for a cover the looks very similar to "The Devil's Advocate" even though this movie was made 20 years earlier.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS: Jenna Jameson stars as Jenna Jameson in this raucous romp where the world of zombies and the world of strippers collide. In general, in my personal life, I put strippers on a pedestal, so I can only advocate this film if it puts strippers on a pedestal as well, which I get the impression that it does.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
The Amazing Dr. Clitterhouse
Baraka (Blu-ray)
Charlie Parker & Dizzy Gillespie: The Founding Fathers of Be Bop
DNA
Family Guy, Vol. 5 - Season 5, Part 1
Family Guy, Vol. 6
Happy Mondays: Call the Cops
Incredible Hulk (Blu-ray)
Invisible Stripes
James Ellroy's Feast of Death
John Coltrane: A True Innovator
Kid Galahad
Larceny, Inc.
The Little Giant
The Mighty Boosh - Series 1
Murder, Spies & Voting Lies
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5-8
One PM
Planet Earth (Blu-ray)
Public Enemies: The Golden Age of the Gangster Film
Screamers
Sister Act + Sister Act 2 - Back in the Habit
Steve Coogan Live
Tis Pity She's a Whore


OCTOBER SALE:

The sale that we had in October is now over. I'd just like to thank all the customers who came in on Wednesdays in October and made it a success despite the way the sale was inadequately advertised, thanks to the idiot who designed the flyer.


RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:

Come into the store this All Saint's Eve and pick up your favorite horror haunts from our haunted horror section and the recommended wall where the staff has pulled together once again, despite their differences and recommended some haunted horror haunts.

If Halloween passes and you haven't had enough Halloween, then you can still come into the store and still rent some haunted horror haunts until you get it out of your system.

Also, if people are bumping into you on purpose and then acting like it's your fault, come in and check out the Democracy at Work section where you can enjoy politics-related films while you get amped up about voting and/or hugging your poll worker on Tuesday regardless of whether or not they want you to.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why if you're on death row, it's ironic and will get you headlines if you request a Happy Meal for your last meal.

You’re not screaming, why aren't you screaming?

Yesterday when I was walking home from school, I was walking on the sidewalk when all the sudden a sprinkler went on right beside me and sprayed on me and also the litter of delicate hatchlings in my backpack.

I looked up in the front yard of the house I was walking by and saw an old curmudgeon who was just finishing turning on the sprinklers the old timer way, you know, without the ... uh ... timer.

I couldn't help but wonder if the old curmudgeon had done it on purpose out of a deep seated lack of consideration for both me and my hatchlings and a general world view that the public should not be allowed to use public sidewalks.

Also, it was the middle of the afternoon and it's inefficient in a water conservation sense to water your lawn in the middle of the afternoon as that is the time of day that the water will evaporate the quickest. The best time to water your lawn is really at night or early morning, like in the pre-dawn hours. That water will take forevers to evaporate, in which case you're getting the most out it. And that's important, 'cause in a few years the planet will run out of water and there will be global wars over Capri Sun pouches.


NEW RELEASES 10/21:

THE GO-GETTER: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "The Go-Getter." George Lucas from "George Lucas in Love" (not the real George Lucas) directs this film which does for the road movie what "Apocalypse Now" did for the ... uh ... river movie. "Thumbsucker" teams up with the sister from "Almost Famous" in this high stakes adventure. Sometimes just for kicks I like to ask myself, if an old college buddy of mine were to fill my head full of empty promises and one of those empty promises were to involve a celebrity, which celebrity would I want that to be? For me the answer is usually the sister from "Almost Famous."

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: If I made a movie about the Incredible Hulk and it tanked, like "Hulk" starring the guy from "Chopper" my logic would be, "Say, maybe people no longer care for the Jolly Green Giant," and I'd probably move on to something else, like a feature-length "Blossom" movie ... just sayin'. But apparently that is backward thinking where Hollywood is concerned. Instead they thought, hey, let's remake that movie that tanked a couple years ago. And sure enough, recasting the characters and adding a cigar did the trick. Now everybody cannot get enough of the ol' Jolly Green Giant.

SON OF RAMBOW: That's Rambo with a "w". Technically I don't think this is out yet but I think Videotheque got an advanced copy because one of the kids in the movie is a former employee. This movie makes "Billy Elliot" look like "Newsies" when some young guy sees some violent action movies and decides to make his own movie. If you like seeing youngsters survive perilous circumstances that would usually critically injure them, you will love this!

THE STONE ANGEL: Ellen Burstyn makes "The Savages" look like "Newsies" in this film adaptation of the novel of the same name where she reprises her role from "Requiem for a Dream" as a former drug addict whose kids are trying to put her in a home, so instead she pulls a "Bucket List" or a "Bonneville" depending on your preference.

THE STRANGERS: This movie, I have not seen. I hear a lot of people who have not seen "Them" speak highly of it. Sometimes I like to walk around with a burlap sack on my head with eye holes poked in it and then go up to random houses and pound on the door until I hear the occupants scream. Maybe I will do that to the old curmudgeon with the sprinklers.

THERE'LL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND: The thing with this is this, you see, this is a combination of two nights of the Sex Pistols' 2007 Brixton Academy appearances. If you enjoyed "The Hanna Montana and Miley Cyrus' Best of Both Worlds Concert 3-D Movie" you will probably like this. I say "probably" because I know that you are short-tempered and hard to please because you eat too much sugar.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

Bra Boys
Jazz Icons: Series 3
Kickin' It Old Skool
Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan
Red Carpet Double Feature: Fear/Parents
Saturn in Opposition
Stephen King's The Stand
The Trap
Women of the Night


OCTOBER SALE:

On Wednesday October 29th, which is this next Wednesday, I think you should take an evening off from your busy schedule of wearing a burlap sack on your head and pounding on the doors of houses with "Yes on 8" signs until the occupants scream (you need to cut their phone lines for this to work properly, and hope their cell phones don't work, how you figured that out, I don't know), and relax and go by the 'theque and rent ... whudduya callit ... two movies for the price of one. (I'm not advocating tormenting people with political signs, that you don't agree with, in their yards. I'm just saying I know you do it already.)


RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:

As annotated in last week's issue we have recommended sections reflecting the impending Halloween holiday. If you love being scared by the ... uh ... cinema 'cause your real life is not enough of a horror show already like mine, you will love these sections!

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why it rhymes with "hate."

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

A lotta, lotta people say to me, they say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week what the ****, you son of a *****?"

Other more considerate people say, "Hey, Mabuto, you didn't write a blog last week, is something the matter, buddy?"

Well, in response to the latter, I learned a lot last week about the fundamentals of the realty company that manages the awesome domicile that I rent underneath Thumper and the cast of "Stomp the Yard."

I learned first and foremost that the fundamentals of the woman who processes the rent checks are that she's cold, smug, condescending, and inattentive to the point that she threw my rent check for October out with the trash and then accused me of not paying my rent.

After writing a new check, plus paying a late fee, putting a stop payment on the original check, and getting accused of the fundamentals of lying in spite of a paper trail of a half a dozen documents that suggest the fundamentals of the contrary, I spiraled into the fundamentals of a deep depression.

See, when you're already depressed, and you get further depressed, you're in a deep depression. At least those are the fundamentals of it.

Fundamentally, I tried several things to get myself out of this funk. First I tried drinking, which I hadn't done since 1994. While this taught me a few fundamentals about alcohol, like that it's not as bitter as it used to be and that it didn't help the situation, it just made me less angry for about 5 minutes.

Then fundamentally, I tried hanging out with two gorgeous women who each had their own personal them songs. One's was that song "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow. The other one's was that song "Genius of Love" by Tom Tom Club. While that helped a super, super lot, fundamentally, I was just less angry for about oh ... a day.

Then I tried looking for a new domicile, which fundamentally only served to make me more depressed because, man, nothing worse than somebody in the realty business who likes money more than people, which is everyone. You see, because you are a person, not money, at least fundamentally.

Fundamentally, I thought I had exhausted all my options, but then yesterday, I had the radio on and that song "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba came on and I thought, three things, first I thought, "Man, it's time for Chumbawumba to make a comeback," and secondly I thought, "This is MY theme song," and thirdly I thought, "Man ... this song really speaks to me."

I went directly from there and had "W.W.C.D?" tattooed across my chest in the largest letters that would fit. That's "What Would Chumbawumba Do?" you know. And the letters are very large as I am a barrel-chested idiot who rents from incompetent, money-grubbing scumbags! But I digress, fundamentally.

My fundamental point is that you have Chumbawumba to thank for this blog and this blog will probably be extree long 'cause even when you're deeply depressed and homicidal because somebody is systematically destroying your life, movies fundamentally still come out regardless.


NEW RELEASES 10/07:

30 ROCK - SEASON 2: In an ideal world I would probably watch this show 'cause I love Must-See Thursdays or whatever day this comes on. But I haven't seen this show as of yet, 'cause the world is not ideal, but I can tell from the fundamentals of the title that it's clearly about the illegal drug trade. I understand that Tina Fey is in it, rudely upstaging Tracy Morgan.

BOY A: Fundamentally, I haven't seen this movie. Somebody told me they really liked it and told me that they thought I would really like it and that I would probably relate a lot with the main character. Then I looked up the synopsis and it says it's about a guy getting out of prison for fundamentally murdering someone when he was younger. So, I was like, "Hey, wait a minute!" but it was too late 'cause it was fundamentally much later than when they said I would like it.

THE HAPPENING: Every time ol' M. Night comes out with a movie, people I know go see it in the theater and they're like, "Oh, fundamentally it's so bad!" and then I wait for it to come out on DVD and watch it 'cause even if something is fundamentally bad, fundamentally you should decide that for yourself, 'cause who knows, maybe you'll fundamentally enjoy it. So, um, yeah, the thing is this, I attempted to watch it but there was some sort of happening with my DVD player so it wouldn't load, so I still haven't seen it, but based on the trailer, I'm a little upset 'cause it seems John Lequizamo stole my look for this movie ... y'know, the sporty dork look ... also, there's mention of bees dying in the trailer and as a bee advocate, I think it's fundamentally wrong to make up fake reasons why bees are dropping dead when in reality they are dropping dead and no one really knows why. It's kind of irresponsible. Fundamentally, you might want to argue this point, but fundamentally, you're also probably a bee hater.

JOY RIDE 2: DEAD AHEAD: This movie is about why all the bees are dying. Just kidding. Fundamentally this is the sequel to the ... uh ... first "Joy Ride." All different personnel; same money machine. I tried to watch this as I had seen the first one and felt like I needed closure, but after I watched a generous portion of the first half of it, I no longer needed closure that bad, but if you like to see scantily clad youngsters get mowed down by big rigs, this is fundamentally your cup of tea.

THE SIMPSONS - SEASON 11: I remember back in 1987, watching "The Tracy Ullman Show" and there were these animated shorts and I thought to myself, "These animated shorts are great, somebody should create a long-running series based on it." Never happened. Stupid studio big wigs.

SLACKER UPRISING: Fundamentally this is a new Michael Moore documentary where he fundamentally gives birth to a new political generation. In that way, this movie is fundamentally a lot like that Arnold Schwartzenegger movie "Junior" but with less politics.

SPIRIT OF THE MARATHON: This is a documentary about the trials and tribulations of running the Chicago marathon. Fundamentally I think marathons are a good thing and the fact that they make me feel like a lethargic wimp is more my fault than the fault of the marathon itself.

THE VISITOR: I really had no idea what this was until five trillion people started telling me it was great. I still kind of didn't know what it was about and so I was reading the uh ... plot summary and it says that it's about a college professor who befriends two victims of a real estate scam. What a fundamental coincidence, a movie that involves a real estate scam and me reeling from a realty management company being smarmy money-grubbing scumbags.

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN: Every once in a while a movie comes out and you see giant billboards with a giant crotch prominently displayed and you sort of cringe and say to yourself, "Egads, I am much too refined for that filth!" But then you finally slum it one day because you're in a downward spiral that has caused you to lose your ability to watch anything serious because it just reminds you of how lousy your day-to-day life is, and then you realize that you had misjudged the billboard ... you were fundamentally, how do you say, ah, yes ... prejudice. "You Don't Mess With the Zohan" features exceptional performances by Rob Schneider and John Tuturro and comes close to accomplishing something that has been next to impossible for hundreds of years, which is bringing Isrealis and Palastinians together over a cup of joe and a bagel.


NEW RELEASES 10/14:

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: I got hornswaggled into seeing this in the theater with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. After I saw it, everyone was like, "Hey, how was it?" I tell everyone the same two fundamental things. First of all, that "Temple of Doom" used to be my least favorite Indiana Jones movie. Used to be! And secondly that it's like a cross between "Caddyshack" and "Apocalypto." Everyone I tell that looks at me like I'm an insane savage, but it's the truth, and the truth hurts. Watch it and see!

MONGOL: THE RISE OF GENGHIS KHAN: Fundamentally, I have not seen this movie, for the basic reason that I often eat at Mongolian BBQ in regular Pasadena and I feel like that suffices. I eat there every night. You may prefer to watch this movie, though.

THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM - SEASON 2, VOL. 1: This Sarah Silverman is someone who gets it. Gets it big time. And judging by the fact that this second season is being put out in volumes like as if it were "Sex and the City's" last season or the "Sopranos'" last season, I can fundamentally deduce a few possibilities. The first one is that real estate agents are fundamentally money-grubbing scumbags. The second one is that it's wildly popular like those other two aforementioned shows. The third one is that this is its last season. Watch it and learn what it means to "get it"!

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE: Prior to this I'd seen about five million Abu Ghraib documentaries. Five million is a euphemism for three. This one is the most conclusive and ol' Errol Morris seems to fundamentally have a budget or something. If you like to watch people take the fall for their superiors in graphic detail, you'll enjoy this romantic love triangle.

STUCK: Stuart Gordon makes "Reservation Road" look like "Newsies" in this movie where Mena Suvari plays Mena Suvari with corn-rows who fundamentally runs down somebody on the road with her car after her landlord throws away her rent check and accuses her of not paying her rent that month.

WAR, INC.: If you're concerned about political goings-on but your brain is fried from the scourge on humanity that is humanity, you might enjoy this comedic effort from Jack Cusack. Joan Cusack, Marisa Tomei, Hilary Duff, and Dan Akroyd round out the cast. Dan Akroyd is cool, I don't care what you say. And anyone who has seen "The Last Shot" knows that Joan Cusack is a comedic genius. And let's be fundamentally honest, you can only watch "Dr. Strangelove" so many times.


ALSO AVAILABLE:

Arch of Triumph
Beetlejuice (Blu-ray)
Butterfly
Casanova Brown
Chicano Cinema and Media Art Series, Vol. 1-4
The Deal
Le Deuxième Souffle
Dirty Sexy Money - Season 1
Dreams on Spec
Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible
Dry Cleaning
The Edge of Heaven
Finding Your Life's Purpose
Flyabout
The Ghost Goes Gear
The Grand
Half Moon
Head of State
Hold You Tight
The Holy Modal Rounders: Bound to Lose
Imelda - Power, Myth, Illusion
I'm Reed Fish
Iron Man (Blu-ray)
Jellyfish (Meduzot)
Joy Division - Here are the Young Men/Substance
Lou Reed Berlin
Marjorie Morningstar
Meet the Spartans
The Mindscape of Alan Moore
Monty Python's Life Of Brian (Blu-ray)
Night Train to Munich
On the Riviera
OSS 117: Cairo, Nest Of Spies
The Paradine Case
P.D. James: Devices and Desires
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Protagonist
Puddle Cruiser
Pushing Daisies - Season 1
Que Te Ha Dado Esa Mujer?!
Reversal of Fortune
Rothko's Rooms / Mark Rothko
Schoolgirl Report, Vol. 3-4
Sergent York
State of the Union
Throw Momma from the Train
Vanaja
View from the Top
War Dance
Where in the World Is Osama Bin Laden?


OCTOBER SALE:

There's only two Wednesdays left in October to fundamentally take advantage of our Rent one get one free sale. So, on Wednesday, or the Wednesday after that, come, get your free rent on.


RECOMMENDATIONS:

PAUL NEWMAN: Paul Newman is still faking is own death so if you like to watch young, vibrant versions of his former self, the section remains there for your browsing pleasure.

As promised some of the staff at Videotheque has breathed on each other and then after that they've collected their favorite scary movies for the, uh ... Halloween.

Grace's Pix: SUCK MY BLOOD: If vampires are your thing, this'll be your favorite shelf in the whole store. Featuring such vibrant vampire classics as "Interview With the Vampire," "Interview With the Vampire," and "Interview With the Vampire."

Mario's Pix: BALL-BUSTERS: There's nothing more horrific than a ball-buster and you'll find plenty of movies featuring them in this section from "Point of Order," to "Throw Momma From the Train," to "Great Balls of Fire," come in and get your balls fundamentally busted.

Mark 2's Pix: TRUE HORROR: Okay, maybe there are some things more fundamentally horrific than ball-busters. In Mark 2's section, you'll find a good sampling of documentaries about those things, such as "Darwin's Nightmare," "Hearts and Minds," and "In Debt We Trust."

Chuck's Pix: J'aime La Douleur: Fundamentally, I don't know any French as you know and also don't know how to read or write, which is why I never watch subtitled films. I'm guessing this means "I like pain." Again, so cryptic. In here you'll find titles such as "Lady Vengeance" and "Blue Velvet" and "Audition."

Martina's Pix: CHAMPAGNE CHILLERS: You are witnessing the advent of Martina's pix. She asked me to make her sign and I think I made it wrong somehow but she hasn't complained, which I think shows what strong character she has. In here you'll find all those classic horror films you know and love but forgot about 'cause your landlord threw away your rent check, like "Psycho" and "Rosemary's Baby" and other movies I fundamentally can't see from here.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why your landlord can rip you off and you can't do anything about it.

The girl with the future I can't see, enters my life.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if things were different for us. A lot of times I just feel like giving up because most people are so mean, and I probably would have given up this week, but just knowing that you're out there and that it matters to you has kept me going.

We should probably meet up sometime and maybe spend the morning at the beach, taking long walks, then go have a light lunch at a nice restaurant, then got to a museum in the afternoon, then go to a nice restaurant for dinner, then maybe catch a picture at the picture show and go for a long walk and talk about the day we had, whilst holding hands.

Afterwards, if we hit it off, you could come back to my place and I could show you my My Little Pony collection and we could play Chutes and Ladders or Candyland and you could braid my hair while I comb the hair of my Monchhichi.

NEW RELEASES 09/30:

AN AUTUMN AFTERNOON: So, apparently Yasujiro Ozu passed away and this was his final film. Kind of like the way Doug Liman passed away shortly after making "Swingers." A pastime of the kids nowadays is to read over my shoulder whilst I'm doing my research and development for the uh ... blog. While I was looking up "An Autumn Afternoon" to see what it was about since I haven't seen it because I've never watched a subtitled movie in my whole life because I can't read or write, my coworker saw that I was reading about this movie and he said that he thought it was off the heazzzy and that he liked it and said that I should write about it in the uh ... blog. I told him I would. He told me that I wouldn't and that I was lying.

BIGGER, STRONGER, FASTER*: This is kind of like people who binge-eat Big Macs and then get mad at Donald King for making them fat. This documentary is about people who take anabolic steroids so that they can be like the man you elected to be Governor, and now regret it because their muscles are permanently flexed. This is like me, I take blogabolic steroids to enhance my blog writing and it's destroying my body.

CSNY / DEJA VU: This is CSI NY where all of tomorrow's crimes are solved today by a guy who has a subscription for tomorrow's issue of the NY Post, so he knows when a crime is going to happen and then he goes there and waits for the crime to occur so that he can investigate the freshest possible forensic evidence ... oh, wait ... my coworker, reading over my shoulder just told me that this is actually a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young concert. Good thing he or she was reading over my shoulder.

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL: Once in a lifetime a movie comes along that just speaks to you on every possible level, and you say to yourself, tearfully, "That ... that's why the uh ... cinema was invented." Such is the case with "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I related with the main character a lot, but only when things weren't going his way. All the parts where good things happen for him, I didn't relate at all. I also related a lot with the guy from "Superbad," but only when things aren't going well for him. All the parts where good things happen for him, I didn't relate at all.

IRON MAN: I missed this movie because I read somewhere that it's actually not good for men to have too much iron in their diet. But a lot of people like this. They're bandwagoning the ol' Robert Downey, Jr. all the sudden. I liked Robert Downey, Jr. even back when he was throwing stuff out the window of his Porsche and waking up in strangers' homes.

TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE: So, apparently when you pulpify someone's legs it kills them, which is disappointing 'cause I know when I arrest someone for nothing, first thing I like to do is pulpify them in an effort to get information from them about things they know nothing about. This is by the director of "Enron: the Smartest Guys in the Room" which explains why your power was going out so much in 2002 and why you hate Gray Davis so much. I thought that one was off the heazzzy. I mostly thought "Taxi to the Dark Side" was off the heazy, too, but there was a brief tangent that seemed almost like a campaign commercial for the guy you're going to vote for in November so it left me feeling confused and dirty. But if you enjoy pulpified non-fiction, and feeling confused and dirty, I think you will enjoy this. I know I did!

THE UNFORESEEN: So, you see, the thing is this, I guess there's a spring-fed river in Texas and this real estate developer wanted to pulpify the environment by developing some real estate, then I guess people protested the pulpifying of the environment and comedy ensued. Just kidding, comedy doesn't ensue, but Robert Redford does. I missed this movie on account of I was too busy pulpifying my environment, but you can watch it!

ALSO AVAILABLE:

$ (Dollars)
9 to 5
25 Mozart Favorites
Affair in Trinidad
Angela Gheorghiu - Live from Covent Garden
Ballet Shoes
Beaufort
The Beggar's Opera
Design 2
Fire Over England
The Garment Jungle
The Godfather (Blu-ray)
The Godfather Part II (Blu-ray)
Handel - Ariodante
Handel's Water Music
Hollywood Rocks the Movies: 1960s Parts 1 & 2
Impressions of Coltrane
Justice League - Season 1
Kiri Te Kanawa - Home & Afar
Mario Lanza
Mother of Tears
Mumia Abu-Jamal: A Case for Reasonable Doubt?
Orphans
Sex Pistols: Anybody Got A Safety Pin?
Tosca's Kiss - Il Bacio di Tosca
Trans-Siberian Orchestra - The Ghost Of Christmas Eve
Yoga For Every Body

OCTOBER SALE: On Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday! in October Videotheque is having a Rent 1 Get 1 Free sale. What part of "Free" don't you understand? You should come in and take advantage of this opportunity by renting one movie and getting the other one free.

Like for example, let's say for a long, long time there's been an Al Pacino movie you kind of wanted to watch, but you didn't want to pay your hard earned dollar on it because in your opinion his acting is over-the-top and therefore his movies should not exist, but you still want to watch it anyway, now you can get it without paying for it and only pay for the movie that you feel does have a right to exist.

Now, you're probably asking yourself what to do the rest of the week. Well, during that time you can pay for the movies that you do feel have a right to exist and in your spare time, maybe look up "opinion" in the dictionary and consider the fact that films are a subjective art form and what appeals to other people might not appeal to you and it doesn't make it a bad movie.


RECOMMENDED SECTIONS:

On Saturday morning, I got up real early to watch "Quintet" while having the same breakfast that I have every day, which is Newman's Own Premium Dry Dog Food smothered in Newman's Own Two Thousand Island Dressing as if it were cereal. While I was contemplating the inclusion of High Fructose Corn Syrup in the ingredients on the back of a carton of Newman's Own Lemonade, I had the TV on in the background, when the news came over the wire that PAUL NEWMAN was deceased on account of the old cancer. A piece of Premium Dry Dog Food rolled off my lower lip as I dropped the remote and cried, "Oh, hell no!"

So to thank Mr. Newman for his career of fine cinema and lifetime of philanthropic achievements and fast driving; and as a symbolic F you to cancer, Videotheque has compiled a recommended section of Paul Newman movies by moving the Paul Newman section a whole 15 feet and across two aisles. F you cancer!

I personally am of the belief that he's faking it, possibly to get out of some student loan debt.

The staff of Videotheque also has their own recommendations, including those staff members with sensitive hands. They include:

France Gall's pix La vie, ce n'est plus le kif: As you well know, I had 3 years of French 1, so I know what this means. It says, "Life or something like it," like that Angelina Jolie movie we all know and love. In this section, you'll find such enduring classics as "Double Suicide" and "Suicide Club" and "Girl on the Bridge." I'm at a loss for what the theme is. Sometimes I wish people would just say what's on their mind.

Mark 2's pix Set it for Cruise Control: Mark 2 went and saw "Tropic Thunder" and was so impressed with Tom Cruise's portrayal of a scumbag where he played a real, real scumbag, super scumbag. Like if the guy he had been playing were pulpified, he'd be a pulpified scumbag. Anywhoo, in Mark 2's section you'll find as much Tom Cruise as we can muster, under the sun, including such films as "Jerry Maguire" and "Cocktail" and "Lions for Lambs," so, if you like a good Tom Cruise movie from time to time, this section is sure to delight. If you hate Tom Cruise, it might be good to remember that that's just an opinion and that what doesn't appeal to you may still appeal to other people.

Mario's pix Your Friends are Your Worst Enemies: This section may've been up there the last time I mentioned the recommended sections, but it deserves to be pointed out again as this section has been renting like hotcakes, kind of like your mama's pajamas. But I digress. Anyway, his section was inspired by all my friends. In here, you'll find such titles as "Marathon Man" and "Heathers" and "Purple Noon."

Rick's pix Long Distance Relationships: Rick is the reason everything bad happens. He's a failure and clearly not Videotheque material. So, the thing is this, you see, Rick's section is all films with snipers in them. Get it?!?! I do! In his section you'll find your sniperiffic favorites such as "Shooter" and "Day of the Jackal" and "Smokin' Aces". So maybe peruse the section, and if you see any films you don't like there, tell Rick you hate the film and that because you don't like it, no one else should because your opinion is fact.

Stay tuned for later in the month when there should be an unheavenly host of horrors in the recommended section as we prepare for the uh ... Halloween.

Peace and Love, y'all!

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why four signs might be three too many.

You may have a limited vocabulary, Ted.

I have trouble sleeping at night because my upstairs neighbor is so loud and then I think my upstairs neighbor is mad at me 'cause I'm up late and in order to communicate to me the fact that he or she doesn't want me to exist, he makes loads of thumping sounds.

So, the most quiet way I thought of that I could pass the time is by dialing random numbers on the ... uh ... telephone, with a blanket over my head.

One night Bill Murray answered. We talked for a good couple of minutes and had what I thought was a decent conversation, but I guess the feeling wasn't mutual 'cause the call ended with him saying, "I played Hunter S. Thompson before any of you kids even knew what loathing was!" and he hung up on me.

Then I dialed another number at random and Sean Penn answered, we talked for a great while. All seemed to be going well, at least from my perspective, but then he said, "I was doing the cigarette underwater in the swimming pool thing before David Duchovny even knew how to float!"

I said, "Sir, I think you might be exaggerating just a little bit," and then he hung up on me.

Then I dialed another number at random and a lady of the night answered; you could tell by the way she answered. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Oh, hi. Hold on," and then in the background I heard her say, "It's your son."

My dad came on the phone and said, "Oh, hello, how did you get this number?"

I said, "Dialin' random."

He asked me how I was doing. I told him that aside from the constant deluge of psychological abuse I was fine. He asked me what I was doing up so late. I told him that my upstairs neighbor does a re-enactment of the movie "White Nights" every night. My dad suggested that I introduce myself to my upstairs neighbor and ask that we start selling tickets to audiences that wish to witness the magic that is "White Nights" Live!

I said, "Good idea, pops, I'll go do that now."

Then my dad said, "I was watching 'White Nights' back before you even knew who Gregory Hines was!" and he hung up on me.

So, I went all the way upstairs and knocked on the door. It took a while for them to answer. The door swung open and it was Thumper, you know, from "Bambi." He shouted, "Hi-yo!"

I said, "Oh, sorry, I thought Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov lived here."

To which he responded, "I'm thumpin'! That's why they call me Thumper!"

I said, "I can see that."

Then he said, "Hey, look what I can do!" And then he started thumping and spinning around in a circle.

It was really awkward. I wound up just walking away.

NEW RELEASES 09/23:

AKI KAURISMAKI'S PROLETARIAT TRILOGY: So, anyway, the only place I ever heard of Proletariats was in 1984. I had to ask my coworker what Aki Kaurismaki's Proletariat Trilogy was, 'cause I never have watched a single subtitled movie in my whole life, and he told me that they're movies about the working class, so you and Thumper and I will no doubt relate with characters in these films, "Shadows in Paradise," "Ariel," and "The Match Factory Girl." You should probably check them out to see what I mean.

DECEPTION: If you're out of touch with the working class, you'll enjoy this film by novice director Marcel Langenegger. Wolverine turns up the heat in squaresville when he tricks Renton from "Trainspotting," into joining a sex club (that happens) and a lot of not fully realized thrills occur and then you wind up thinking to yourself, "That 'Eyes Wide Shut' was not so bad after all." When I watch a movie, they usually fit into three categories, they're either, "Okay," or "Bad," or "Makes me never want to watch any movie ever again," this film fit into the latter category. You should probably check it out to see what I mean.

LEATHERHEADS: Normally I wouldn't watch a movie like this 'cause I'm vegan, but I'm not going to eat their helmets, so I figure it's okay. So, anyway the thing is this, I've pretty much been giving George Clooney a free pass since "Facts of Life" and I've been pretty much giving Grant Heslov a free pass since "License to Drive," but come on, dudes, have a plot. You should probably watch it to see what I mean.

No really.

RUN, FATBOY, RUN: Sometimes I'll rent a movie thinking to myself, "Hey, it's directed by a cast member of 'Friends' so it must be good!" but then I watch it and I'm like, "Hey, it's got the guy from 'Hot Fuzz' and the voice of Apu in it ... it must be really good," and then I watch more of it and then I never want to watch another movie ever again. But because I dislike people who act like certain movies shouldn't exist just because they personally didn't like them, I think you should watch this and see what I mean.

SEX AND THE CITY - THE MOVIE: This is unrelated, but I'm noticing the whole "Flashdance" style for women, of having one side of their top slipping off the shoulder is back in style. I'm kind of confused as to why it's back in style. A couple years ago I think women would've scoffed at the thought of it, but yet now wherever I go where there are the ladies, they're wearing the "Flashdance," look. What gives? Keep doing it, but what gives? But I digress. What's with this "Sex and the City?" Was six seasons not enough?! And what is this quote/unquote sex I hear everybody talking about?

ALSO AVAILABLE:

101 Dalmatians 2: Patch's London Adventure
The Age of Man
The Anderson Tapes
Apt Pupil
The Baker
Before I Forget
Ben X
Cashback
Cat Ballou
Choreography By Balanchine
Constantine's Sword
Crime Novel (Romanzo criminale)
The Cult of the Suicide Bomber 2
Day Watch (Blu-ray)
Flight of the Red Balloon
The Forgotten Woman
Gold Diggers of 1937
Gold Diggers in Paris
Gypsy Caravan: When the Road Bends
The Man From Snowy River
Mister Lonely
Music of the Heart
My Name is Juani
The New Centurians
The Omen (Blu-ray)
Paranoid Park
Pete Seeger: The Power of Song
Pootie Tang
Prison Break - Season 3 (Blu-ray)
Proteus
Risky Business (Blu-ray)
Rossini - La Cenerentola
Sharpe's Rifles
Silent Light (Luz Silenciosa)
Single White Female
The World According to Monsanto

SALE IN OCTOBER:

So, um, yeah, the thing is this, on Wednesdays in October, Videotheque is having a Rent 1, Get 1 Free Sale. For example, if you were to come in on a Wednesday and you rented a movie, you could get a second movie for free. But only one of those two can be a New Release and it's only one free per purchase, so like if you're getting 5 movies, only 1 of those counts as 1 movie, it's not like rent 3 get 2 free, it's just rent 1 get 1 free. So if you rent 5 it's like rent 4 get 1 free.

The idiot who made the flyer for this sale made a typo where "in the" runs together as one word. I was thinking, though, after looking at it, that maybe "in the" should be one word. It would save a lot of people a lot of time. You should really look at the flyer to see what I mean.

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...and that's how I know something big is going down.

I was in first place, now I am in third with two laps to go!

And that's when she looked at me and said, she said, "Why did you just throw your video camera in the ocean?"

I looked her right in the eye and I told her it like it was, I said, "Owning a video camera is like owning a pickup. Everybody wants to borrow it when they move."

She looked at me, somewhat confused and asked, "How's that like owning a video camera?"

"Well," I started, "everybody wants to borrow it whenever they have some milestone commemorating ceremony, like say, a wedding for example."

She looked at me, somewhat saddened and a tear rolled down her cheek as she said, "But, Honey, it's our wedding."

I stepped back, out of her embrace and I said, "Look, baby, this isn't quite the way I envisioned my future."

"How ... how did you envision it?" She was in shock.

I answered, "Oh, hangin' with my buddies, strolling through construction sites, drinking orange juice out of the carton, harassing retail clerks..."

She interrupted, "But ... but, I'm a ... a ... retail clerk."

And that's when I said it, I said, "Well, that's your tough luck, then, isn't it?" And I walked away, and added, "See you, on the battleground, sweetheart."

NEW RELEASES 09/16:

88 MINUTES: Al Pacino makes "Cellular" look like "Newsies" in this new movie where he plays Al Pacino getting a call on his cell phone from the voice from "Scream" saying, "You're going to die in 88 minutes. Tick. Tock." There used to be a Color Me Badd song, "I Wanna Sex You Up." My recently estranged wife-to-be used to listen to Color Me Badd in the early 90's. I used to hate them, but my point is, I think, "I Wanna Sex You Up," started out with somebody saying, "tick, tock," or something like that. I don't want to listen to it again to find out. But my real point is, it's not very scary, people saying, "tick, tock," so I don't know about this movie. But I will watch it anyway in a double feature with "Cellular" and then afterwards wonder why I feel bad about myself.

BEFORE THE RAINS: If you're at all like Ismail Merchant, you'd probably love to have your last name tossed around posthumously so that the living can continue to capitalize on your good name. Such is the case with this wet t-shirt contest set in India.

THE EARRINGS OF MADAME DE... : When I was in film school (which by the way is a very lucrative academic choice), they made us watch some film that the teacher just called, "Madame De..." I don't know if this is the same movie or if there is some sort of "Madame De..." series. I'm too lazy to read the cover to find out, and I'm too scared of other human beings to ask them, so I just don't know. I do not know.

FINDING AMANDA: Speaking of not knowing. George C. Scott stars as a father looking for his missing daughter who went on a trip to Knott's Berry Farm and never came home, only to find that she has been submerged into the underground world of hardcore porn. Oh ... sorry, wrong movie. Matthew Broderick plays a dude who goes to Vegas to try and coax his niece played by Brittany Snow to go into rehab. This movie's cover looks bad. Almost like the people making the cover wanted it to look bad. I actually saw one of my nieces over the weekend, at my botched wedding to be exact. I think she's like 4, though, so she doesn't really need rehabilitation. She just wants her doll. And a pack of cigarettes.

KABLUEY: Because of my botched wedding, I missed a lot of the new releases. Actually, all of the new releases. This "Kabluey" I was really looking forward to. Many years ago somebody likened me to the dopey, big-headed robot in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." I no longer speak to that person. I don't know what it is, but when things remind me of people, I don't go around telling that person, 'cause it usually never fits with that person's self-image and therefore can only result in disappointment. For instance, like if you're friends with someone who reminds you of Joseph Stalin, you don't go around saying it to their face. That is unless your intention is to offend said person. For example, later today I'll be hanging out with Joseph Stalin's grandson and I plan to tell him that he reminds me of Stalin, but that's because I'm mad at him 'cause he stole my niece's doll. But I digress, so I was offended, but then I saw the trailer for this "Kabluey" and saw a dopey, big-headed blue guy and I thought, "Man, I really identify with the seclusion and isolation that this dopey, big-headed blue guy is experiencing," and so therefore I was anticipating this film's release. But I blew it by going to my lame wedding. So, if this experience taught me one thing, it's that if someone proposes to you, no matter what, you should say, "No," and watch movies instead.

THE LOVE GURU: Sometimes after me and my buddies are done roaming through construction sites, drinking orange juice out of the carton, we liked to wander past movie theaters and look at the posters so we can figure out what we're going to rent at Videotheque three months from then. Three months ago there was a poster there for "The Love Guru" and I noticed that it was coming out the same exact day as "Get Smart" and I was like, "Man, dude, this movie distribution company is cruising for a bruisin'." I'm no connoisseur of fine comedies but I know if I have to choose between these two I'd take along walk off a short pier and make like a tree and leave. But it seems as though the folks behind this fine cinema have brightened up since then 'cause now it's coming out on DVD! Get excited for the DVD! And that "Get Smart" is nowhere to be found. So kill time before "Get Smart" comes out on DVD by watching a bunch of leftover Austin Powers jokes.

MADE OF HONOR: It's a play on words you see. It's "Made" not "Maid," get it?!?! If you saw "My Best Friend's Wedding," that's basically what you're looking at here. This stuff never happens in real life. In real life when your friends are getting married and then you decide during the ceremony that you love them, it doesn't work. They then hate you for the rest of your life. Believe me, I tried.

LE PLAISIR: Max Ophuls, the director of that "Madame de..." movie that I'm not sure if I saw, turns up the heat in this adaptation of three short stories. I was reading the plot summary on this one and it says that the first story is about an old man who wears a mask of youth at a dance hall to extend his youthful memories. What a great idea! I'm gonna do that! I doubt anyone will think it's weird that I'm wearing a mask.

THE RAPE OF EUROPA: If you're at all like me, probably when you see a movie with the word "rape" in the title, you're probably like, "Hey, honey, get the kids, we're goin' to a matinee!" Apparently some art got stole by the Third Reich during WWII, and this is about such goings-on. Damn Nazis. They should make a movie where some Nazis are stealing a priceless artifact and then an archeology professor who happens to carry a whip around for no reason chases them down and closes his eyes while they turn to clay-mation and then melt.

SNOW ANGELS: Every now and then a movie comes along where you don't know what it is and then you look up what it's about so you can write your lame blog entry about it (yeah, that's right, I said it), and then you realize you would've liked to've seen it, and then you're just left wondering why you're such an inattentive idiot. David Gordon Green directs Sam Rockwell and Kate Beckinsale in this film adaptation of Stewart O'Nan's novel. If you are illiterate, now you can watch the movie!

SPEED RACER: You know, I spend a lot of time at Videotheque and whenever some kid in the Retro Kids section has pressed the microchip button on the cover of the animated "Speed Racer" series box that plays the theme song for the upteenth billionth time, I says to myself, I says, "Know what I could really go for?! SOME MORE OF THAT!!!" Finally, the Wachowski Brothers return from their early retirement and Emile Hirsch returns from the wild to make it happen!

TORCHWOOD - SEASON 2: If you're at all like me, you're probably too preoccupied with the fact that you somehow unknowingly befriended Joseph Stalin's grandson and he's systematically destroying your life, to know what this show is. If you're not me, you probably don't have that problem and therefore know what this is and enjoy it 'cause it fills a void left long ago by E.T.

YOUNG@HEART: If you're at all like me, when you watched "Cocoon" back in the 80's, you probably thought to yourself, "This movie's okay, but I wish these people would forget about the damn alien in the pool and just do some singin'!" Sorry I've said "damn" so much today, I'm just very emotional right now on account of my impending encounter with Joseph Stalin's grandson. But I digress. If that's the case, this movie is for you! Real life old folks get their sing on in this doc! It's okay for me to call them "old folks" 'cause I am an old folk myself.

ALSO AVAILABLE:

The Best of New Wave Theatre
Boomerang
Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey
Dusty Springfield Live at the BBC
Frontline - The Meth Epidemic
Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
Julia Child! America's Favorite Chef
Nancy Sinatra Video Anthology
Paul and Pauline Calf's Cheese and Ham Sandwich
Rodan: War of the Gargantuas
Speed Racer (Blu-ray)
The Star Wars Holiday Special
Tom Waits: Big Time
Towards Darkness
Transformers (Blu-ray)
Vladmir and Rosa
Wind From the East

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why on the November ballot I'll be introducing legislation to make it illegal to carry DVD cases in your pits.