Why can't you be more like your sister, Ainsley?

A lotta, lotta people ask me, they ask, "Say, Eric, what did you do for the 4th of July?" My answer to that is always the same. I went to Lake Havasu for my girlfriend's wedding, in which I was the best man, which offended me. While I was away, I watched short portions of some movies out of context and found them highly disturbing.

In my absence, I asked the 'thequers to fill in for me on the blog, 'cause where I was going, there were no roads. For some reason they had a German tourist named Max do it, which sort of offended me. But when I got back, he had left me a gift in the form of an elaborate drawing he had made, which was so detailed, it was clearly subject matter he was quite intimate with. I found that to be such a kind gesture that I was no longer offended, which was disappointing, 'cause being offended makes me feel superior.

CINEMATIC GOBSTOPPERS 07/08:

CHOP SHOP: I didn't watch this movie 'cause the cover offended me. It's about a youngster trying to make a better life for himself and his sister. Now that I know this, I'm offended that the cover offended me 'cause I think I would've related to this kid trying to make a better life for himself, when haters keep hating on him. I don't know if haters are hating on this kid, or not. The only way to know is to watch it. I had a car that went to a chop shop once. I found that experience highly offensive.

THE RUINS: When I first heard about this movie I suspected it would be in league with "Apocalypto" and "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," demonizing ancient Mayan civilization, even though despite all our technology, Mayans were most likely significantly more intelligent and civilized than us, but I digress. Anywhoo, that's the way I thought it would be, so I thought I would find it offensive, and ... it was and I did. But much to my surprise the plant from "Little Shop of Horrors" and "The Fountain" was in this, so now I think it's off the heazzzy!

SLEEPWALKING: Every now and then, which is a lot, I like to nerd out with some melodrama, so when I see Charlize Theron and the girl from "Bridge to Terabithia" on a cover, I'm like, "Oh, dang!" So, I watched this ... well, part of it, and it highly offended me, that small portion of it that I saw, out of context, so I turned it off. But if you aren't offended easily and like to watch actors sleepwalk through a set, you'll love siphoning this light show through your gelatinous orbs.

STOP-LOSS: When I heard this was coming out I was really, really excited 'cause it's a new film by Kimberly Pierce, but then I went and saw it and I was highly offended. It's basically like "Coming Home Jr." Getting stop-lossed is when you serve a tour of duty and then you come back and your superiors are like, "Uh, we need you again," and then you go again and then after you've served another tour of duty, you go home and then your superiors are like, "Uh, psych," and then you have to serve a third tour of duty. So in this MTV version of "Coming Home" the guy from "Cruel Intentions" is like, "Oh, no you didn'!" and then he throws down and then aimless wandering ensues. If that sounds like it won't offend you, you should stop-loss this DVD back to your DVD player every time it ends.

OTHER THINGS TO GET OFFENDED BY:
THE ATHEISM TAPES
BLAME IT ON RIO
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID (BLU-RAY)
DEAR PILLOW
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA (BLU-RAY)
GAZA STRIP
JACKIE CHAN: MY STORY
LOVELESS IN LOS ANGELES
MOUTH TO MOUTH
PATTON (BLU-RAY)
SEX AND DEATH 101
THERE WILL BE BLOOD (BLU-RAY)
WIRE IN THE BLOOD

RECOMMENDATIONS:
We've got 'em. Maybe later in the week I will elaborate.

www.vidtheque.com

...and that's why it's important to wear pajamas to bed no matter how warm the weather is.